12/30/2007

Compare and contrast living at home and in the dormitory (Final)

There are a lot of differences between living at home and in the dormitory. I have not lived at home for more than 6 years, and I enjoy it! According to my experience, I think the most concerned distinctions between living at home and in the dormitory are expense, commuting, privacy, and freedom.

Living at home has the advantage of lower expenses. The rent of living at home is much cheaper than living in the dormitory, zero compared to thousands per semester, but the expense of commuting between home and school may exceed the rent for a bed in the dormitory. However, living expenses– meals, night snacks, fruits, washing liquid, shampoos, etc. – could be saved up a lot if we live at home, or at least we do not have to expend our pocket money, salary, and scholarship at living expenses too much.

If we live at home, it costs us some amount of time to commute to school, no matter by walking, scooters, or transportation system. A student who lives at home may be having his or her breakfast on a bus while another student is still snoring in the dorm. Then the former jumps off the bus, rushing into the classroom whereas the latter may just finish a sandwich, sipping his or her coffee. Commuting could be time-consuming and life-wasting, or could help us steal more leisure time, that depends on the way we think. Although we could have more sleep if we do not have to commute, it could give us more chances and leisure time to listen to music, watch the city changes, indulge into our thoughts, or whatever we do not do if we do not have leisure time. However, most people are more charmed by their dreams than the way to school, and I am not an exception.

Privacy is nearly impossible to have if we live on campus while freedom is much easier to obtain than living at home. If we have to share a room with 5 people, to have privacy tends to be a dream, and a noiseless personal space is likewise unreachable as we have to share a floor with more than one hundred people. In contrast, we have freedom in hand. Living in the dormitory, we do not have to worry about that our parents will worry us when we are hanging out outside at midnight, or staying up all night for homework, exams, or chatting with friends.

Living at home might be cheaper than in the dorm, but the extra commuting time is required. Living in the dorm sacrifices privacy, but freedom is more available. I had lived in the dorm for 6 years, and I enjoy it much more than living at home. However, now I live in a studio. One reason is that it is worth to trade money for privacy and freedom.

12/29/2007

西方智慧眼中的生命意義

冀劍制/華梵大學哲學系

一九九九年秋天,這個曾經被大預言家視為世界末日的時刻,太陽系九大行星排列成一個 大十字,而地球的位置就在這個十字的中間。這個時期,我剛到美國開始我的留學生涯, 水牛城的楓葉正滿山滿谷,我們等待著這些楓葉飄落後的第一場大雪。就在這樣等待的一 天,我收到一封轉寄來的電子郵件,這封信源自於一個即將面臨死亡的邏輯學家,其內容 大約如下﹕ 「各位我認識的朋友,我是H大學的約翰,一個被宣告即將在數日後死亡的邏輯學家,趁 我意識還算清楚,我想跟各位說一說我現在的想法。首先,我想到的是,我娶了一個很理 想的太太,然後生了四個小孩,兩男兩女,其中兩人有博士學位,另外兩個也都大學畢業 ,他們全部都已經結婚而且有著很好的工作,有著穩定的收入,所以,在家庭方面我算是 很成功又很幸運的。而在事業方面,我雖然不能算是劃時代的邏輯學家,但我發表了幾篇 在學術上相當有貢獻的論文,以及教出了不少優秀的學生,所以,這方面也算是成功了。 另外,我有著足夠的經濟能力讓我經常利用休假到各處旅行,我健健康康的活到了八十多 歲直到最近才發現無法挽回的病症,在人生的各方面我都算是很幸運以及很有價值了,所 以,我想,人生如此又有何求呢? 我相信我將會很知足的面對死亡的來臨。」 看完這封信後,我走出學生宿舍,在這陌生的國度裡,思考著人生的意義。

試想一下這樣的情況,如果我們自己處在同一個狀態,我們會不會真的很知足的面對死亡 的來臨? 我想,理智上或許會,我們可能可以和該邏輯學家一樣,藉由類似的推理產生類 似的結論:「人生如此又有何求呢?」然而,我們真的就因為推出這樣的結論就很知足了 嗎?

這樣的知足似乎只是一種理智上的「應該要知足了」的想法而不是真正情感上的知足,然 而,為什麼應該要知足呢? 簡單的說,就是跟別人比較起來,在一般大眾價值觀的期待下 ,這已經算是不錯的人生了。有多少人可以有這樣的家庭狀況,有個很好的太太外帶每個 小孩都很優秀,不須為他們的未來煩惱。而且其個人也有著不錯的成就,還可以經常到處 去旅行,又健健康康的活到了八十歲。這簡直就是許多人期待的人生,那麼,是該「知足 」了吧。

然而,換一個想像的情況思考一下,假設這個邏輯學家的狀況不變,但所有其他人的狀況 都變了,假設多數其他人的太太都比他的更理想,假設多數其他人的子女都更了不起,假 設多數其他人經常到外太空旅行而且都健健康康活到一百二十歲,那麼,這位邏輯學家將 會做何感想? 他還是會知足嗎? 看來不會,而且可能會很怨嘆,怨嘆自己為何如此不幸。 那麼,難道知足是建立在跟別人的比較上嗎? 如果不比較的話人還會知足嗎?

事實上,他只是藉由與他人的比較推理出他應該很知足的面對死亡,但真正的「知足」是 一種情緒上的感覺,情緒上的感覺往往不會完全跟著理智起舞,也就是說,即使我們推理 出「應該要知足」了,也未必就真的會產生知足的情緒。

那麼,如果將「知足」當作人生成敗的標準來看,這位邏輯學家的人生在一般客觀標準上 或許是成功的,但在主觀內心的生活上卻可能仍舊是失敗的。換句個角度來看,如果我們 把知足當作是一種人生意義的指標,那麼,他的人生可能只有在一般價值觀上是有意義的 ,而其主觀內心世界裡卻可能仍然不知意義為何,在這樣的情況下,如果我們相信內心情 感的知足在生命中是重要的指標,那麼,我們可以說,對人生意義問題的思考上,我們需 要其他不同的考量,不適於只是建立在與別人的比較基礎上。

一. 檢視生命 在網咖有一群魔獸迷將大量時間與精神投入在《魔獸世界》的線上遊戲之中,大多數旁觀 者或許會以為他們玩到入迷了,至少在其中沈醉,獲得短暫的快樂。然而,曾經玩過線上 遊戲的人或許會體會到,這些人其實並不見得很開心,因為他們的心並不全是被樂趣所桎 梏,如果真有這麼大的樂趣,他們也會在疲累之後回到床上睡覺,因為疲憊之後趣味感就 降低了,但事實不然,許多人玩到實在無法支撐之後才離開電腦。為什麼呢? 不是為了樂 趣,而是為了升級。

「級數」決定了一個角色或是玩家在線上虛擬世界的地位、能力與尊嚴,人們為了追求這 些東西可以擺脫睡眠與飢餓的慾望而努力追求。然而,活在實際人生的我們不也如此嗎? 差別只在於虛擬世界是個較為容易達成目標的世界,只要努力一定有收穫。但真實世界則 讓人更容易產生挫敗感而放棄。但從追求的心境來看,其實差異不大。

在真實世界中我們也追求著升級,尚未因挫敗而放棄的學生們努力考好成績、名次、進而 畢業後考上好學校或有好的出路。有了好出路後再繼續下一階段的升級,從職員到組長、 科長、經理等等。而老師們當了講師想升助理教授、當了助理教授想升副教授等等,整個 世界就在升級的欲望下展開競賽。而在如同虛擬世界中擁有的配備與金錢方面也是一樣, 在真實人生中,有了10萬存款想要20萬、100萬等等無窮無盡。然而,當我們像是魔獸世 界中的人們拼命追求升級、能力、尊嚴與地位的同時,我們是否有一天停下腳步看看自己 正在做些什麼? 想想自己是否追求著自己內心真正想要的東西,而不只是向著一個無底洞 一樣直落下去,追求一個沒有終點的目標,而不斷誤以為終點就在前方,在不快樂的追求 過程中度過一生。

蘇格拉底(Socrates, 469-399 B.C.)說,「未經檢視的生命是不值得活的(An unexamined life is not worth living)」。如果我們不好好停下腳步從新檢視自己的生 命,那麼,我們可能會錯過許多在生命路上的美好事物,而且,更重要的是,如果生命中 真有正確的道路,我們如果不謹慎觀察每一個生命的交叉口,我們很可能錯失那條最有意 義的生命大道。那麼,就讓我們暫且停下腳步,好好觀察我們自己的生活,企圖尋找一些 生命意義的蛛絲馬跡。

二. 生命意義的探索 在西方哲學史上有個著名的問題叫做「惡的難題」(The problem of evil)。其大意是說 ,神如果是全善的,則神會希望世界上不要有惡事發生,就像各種天災等等都不要發生。 而如果神是全能的,則神有能力將惡消除,然而。我們可以發現各種天災等惡事不斷發生 ,因此,我們可以推論出,沒有全能全善的神存在。

當2004年12月26日南亞大海嘯發生的時候,自由時報報導一位澳洲父親抱著六個月大的小 女兒在普吉島海灘散步,當海嘯從天而降時,他趕緊抓住女兒,但事後發現手中只剩女兒 的小衣服。這個海嘯總共造成二十餘萬人罹難、數百萬人無家可歸、數萬名兒童失去了父 母、以及難以計算的建築物全毀。每當這種類似事件發生後我們自然而然都會想到,如果 有神,而且如果神有能力阻止這個海嘯,那麼,神在哪裡? 神為什麼會容許這種惡事的發 生呢?

我們常常聽到宗教宣傳神多麼的大能以及神多麼的愛世人,或是觀世音菩薩如何救苦救難 ,如果這些都是真的,那麼,這些災難的發生似乎就成了一個神秘而難解的問題,而這些 問題的解答或許就成了人生意義探索的重點。簡單的說,如果真的有神,而且如果神很善 良又真的有能力去除惡事卻不做,那麼,也只有一個可能的結論了,那就是﹕「苦難是人 生必要的、或是必然的事件」。那麼,人生就是有意義有目的了,而這樣的目的的達成必 須仰賴這些惡事。那麼,有什麼目的的達成必須經由這些苦難呢? 這些苦難只是懲罰嗎? 那麼,六個月大的小女孩犯了什麼錯需要得到這樣的懲罰? 每個人的人生意義相同嗎? 為 什麼每個人遇到的苦難不同? 如果苦難這麼重要,那為什麼有人運氣很好一路一帆風順呢 ? 或是每個人有不同的方向呢? 然而,更重要的問題是,我們如何發現自己人生的方向? 當然,我們未必要假設全能全善神的存在,我們也可以在理智上藉由惡的難題否定有這樣 的神的存在,甚至就像許多存在主義哲學家認為人生根本沒有意義,如同卡謬(Albert Camus, 1913-1960)在《薛西弗斯的神話》一書中所說,人生就像在推一個圓形大石上山 ,每當推到山頂就又會落下,然後每天再繼續推,日復一日永無止息,人類所做的一切事 就像如此這般的無意義。

這樣的想法在某個層面上反映了事實真相,我們所做的一切努力到頭來終會一場空,依據 宇宙膨脹理論來說,宇宙不斷的膨脹後將愈來愈難有適合生命體生存的空間,而且依據熱 力學第二定律,整個宇宙的變化是朝向「最大亂度」在進行的,宇宙的未來將會呈現出沒 有秩序的樣貌,任何需要秩序結構的智慧型生物將不可能存在。那麼,不管我們如何努力 的為了下一代,生命體的滅亡只是遲早的事情。當然,有另一種理論主張宇宙到達飽和點 後會開始收縮,這時的熱力學第二定律將不再適用,但即使是如此,宇宙也將在最後的碰 撞與緊縮後化為一個小點,這自然也不可能有任何生命能夠存活,也就是說,依據當今科 學的發展所知,人類的一切努力最後還是會歸於無物。

然而,值得慶幸的是,目前的科學沒有想像中來的有說服力,近年來,科學不斷的被修正 ,也不斷發現有不足之處,如果把科學當作是一種呈現世界真相的學科的話,在當今客觀 科學幾乎完全無法化約意識等主觀現象之後顯示它可能根本上走錯了方向,因此,現在為 了當今科學所導致的結論而煩惱似乎太早了,何況,當今某些科學理論也暗示著其它平行 空間的存在,就像當今很著名的超弦理論來說,這個宇宙被預測為十度空間或是二十七度 空間,既然如此,當一個空間被壓縮或是過渡膨脹後,其它空間或許還能容許生命的永續 發展,這麼一來,人類的一切努力未必成空。

然而,就算這是事實,難道生命的目的就只是為了未來人類嗎? 為什麼我們要為未來人類 而努力? 生命對自我來說究竟有什麼意義? 如果在我們的生活過的很悲慘的時候,如果我 們處在生不如死的絕望狀態下,如果我們有機會瞬間結束自己的生命,我們不這麼做的理 由是什麼? 這些謎似乎沒有真正有說服力的解答,所有的解答都是宗教式的,但宗教的解 答只對信仰者有效而無法說服所有人。而且,這麼多宗教這麼多解答究竟誰對? 那麼,我 們不禁要問,人類歷史上難道沒有人找到人類真正的解答嗎? 如果沒有,我們是否也根本 不可能找到這樣的解答,如果有,為什麼沒有流傳下來,或者,如果已有的宗教性解答可 以說服該宗教的創立者,那為何無法說服我們這些凡夫俗子呢? 在這些迷惑中,哲人們開 始使用理智,探索生命的核心地帶。

三. 人生的目的就是追尋快樂? 許多人認為,人生的意義就是追尋快樂。當然,對於究竟怎樣的快樂才是人生中最重要的 這樣的問題有不同的看法,有人認為生活樂趣、吃喝玩樂等是最直接有意義的;有人認為 要追尋心靈的快樂像是藝術與美學等心靈饗宴;也有人認為像北宋范仲淹一樣先天下之憂 而憂後天下之樂而樂所獲得的盡了責任的快樂才是最重要的;或者近年來有許多人認為要 像儒家學者一般主張符合良知的快樂才是真正的樂趣;另外還有道家般的大自在的感覺; 或是強調佛家悟道的內心情境等等。當然,世界上最多人喜歡的快樂就是古人所謂的四大 樂事:「久旱逢甘霖,他鄉遇故知,洞房花燭夜,金榜題名時。」總之,不管是那一種快 樂,許多人認為人生的目的就在於追求快樂。而且,事實上,許多人的確用這樣的態度與 目的過生活,其中最明顯的例子就是吸毒者。由於某些毒品可以讓人在短暫的時間中獲得 極大的快樂,許多人沉迷於這樣的情境中無法跳脫或甚至是不願跳脫,而這樣的情形也可 以在白老鼠的實驗室中觀察到,將受試的白老鼠腦內的快樂中樞裝上一個小小的裝置,當 白老鼠壓到某一個按鈕的時候這個裝置就會起作用而刺激其大腦某特定部位而讓它感到快 樂,實驗結果,白老鼠不吃不喝不睡甚至連交配也沒興趣,每天一直在按那個按鈕,直到 餓死為止。不管是其他動物或是人類,追求快樂似乎是一種天性,那麼,如果遵循天性就 是人生意義的追求,這應該就是人生的意義了吧。 然而,在追求人生意義的思考過程中,美國現代哲學家諾齊克(Robert Nozick, 1938-2002)在論證中指出,無論是那一種快樂都不可能是人生真正的意義與目的。其論證 大概如下: 假設有一個經驗製造機 (experience machine, 簡稱 EM)可以帶給你任何可能的經驗或感 覺,例如,你給世界帶來永遠的和平,或你踹某人幾腳,或和某超級巨星談戀愛,或成為 大音樂家,或甚至達到天人合一以及悟道的心靈境界等等。

而且,為了逼真起見,當你在體驗的過程,你會忘掉你真正的自己,也就是說,EM 製造 出(對你來說是)「真實的體驗」。當然,這麼好的東西是大家都想玩的,你或許會選擇玩 幾個小時,或輸入一個程式變化不同的經驗連續玩幾天,甚至幾個月。然而,問題來了, 有沒有人願意拿他的餘生都來玩這個? 也就是說,你設計好你餘生的所有經驗,然後進去 玩後你將不會知道這是你的設計,也不會知道未來會如何,你的一生將會是充滿快樂的, 無論那一種快樂,直到死為止(當然, 若你想充滿倒楣, 悲傷, 也隨你便)。那麼,你是否 願意進入EM呢?

在這樣的假設下,令人感到有趣的現象是,在仔細思考後大多數人都不願意。雖然,我們 一直在追求快樂,但是,一旦可以藉由這樣的方式獲得的時候,有理性思考能力的我們卻 裹足不前了,為什麼會這樣呢? 這表示無論那一種快樂都不能真正滿足我們的內心深層的 欲望,快樂不能讓我們在內心深處不經由與人比較而獲得「人生如此,夫復何求?」的滿 足感,如果人類內心深處真有一個指導我們朝向人生意義的核心關鍵,那麼,顯然這樣的 關鍵直覺告訴我們快樂不是人生的目的,無論是上面所說的那一種快樂。

當然,有人會覺得在弄清楚人生究竟有沒有意義之前討論這樣的問題似乎言之過早,因為 ,如果人生真的沒有任何意義,那麼,一切追尋也都沒有意義了。但事實上,人生意義的 議題上卻必須先假設人生有意義才有討論的價值,因為,如果人生真的沒有意義,那麼我 們所做的一切都沒有意義了。有些人因此而感到沮喪,但是,如果人生真的沒有意義,那 麼,一切對沒有意義的沮喪也都沒有意義,而且對於「生命沒有意義」這個發現也沒有任 何意義,所以,我們也根本不用去討論人生無意義的選項。何況,以目前來說,人生究竟 有沒有意義似乎是一個無解的問題,我們的思考無須被一個無解的問題卡住,我們可以先 行略過這個問題,因此,在人生意義的問題上,我們可以直接問,如果人生真的有意義, 那麼,意義是什麼?

當然,在弄清楚人生究竟有沒有意義之前,還是有許多人不願意直接假設人生有意義,因 為這樣的假設像是在建立一個空中閣樓。這時,我們可以借用法國哲學家巴斯卡(Blaise Pascal, 1623-1662)的賭博論證套用在這個議題上,如果人生真有意義而且我們能夠找到 人生意義,那麼,如果在努力尋找後我們找到了,我們將贏得人生。但如果人生事實上沒 有意義,在我們努力後當然仍舊沒找到,這時,由於人生的一切都沒有意義,所以我們也 不可能損失任何有意義東西。但如果人生真的有意義而且我們有能力追尋的到,但我們卻 因為假設人生沒意義而沒有努力去追尋,那麼,我們將失去發現人生意義的機會。也就是 說,假設人生有意義而且努力去追尋的選項是只可能贏不可能輸,而另一個選項卻是只可 能輸不可能贏,那麼,一個有理智的主體在人生問題的態度上自然知道該如何下賭注了。 因此,人生意義的探討應先站在假設人生有意義的基礎上才會有贏的機會。然而,在問這 個問題之前,我們還需要先假設我們有能力發覺人生的意義,或至少當我們發覺人生的意 義時我們可以知道那就是人生的意義,否則,如果當我們已經追求到人生意義的時候卻仍 舊無法判斷這就是人生的意義,那麼,我們似乎也不用追求人生意義了。也就是說,我們 天生就應該至少已經內建了一個本能能夠判斷何者是人生的意義又何者不是,否則,人生 有意義的假設也是無用的。那麼,在這樣的假設下,我們藉由上面的討論知道,一切可以 經由EM製造的感覺經驗都不可能是人生的意義,因為我們本能的不滿足於此。

簡單的說,如果我們相信人生有意義而且當我們發現人生意義時至少自己能夠知道,那麼 ,內心深處一定有一個能讓自己知道人生意義的功能在運作著,而能夠扮演這樣的功能的 是什麼呢? 最大的可能性就是我們自然而然最想要的東西,也就是內心深處的一種完全的 滿足感。如果不是這樣,那麼,人類豈不就是天生要被騙的嗎? 如果某個經驗能夠讓大多 數人產生這種滿足感,那麼,大家應該會真正的知足而願意進入EM之中,既然大多數人不 願意進入EM之中,那麼,不會有什麼EM能讓大家產生這種滿足感。

那麼,透過這個經驗製造機的論證可以發現,任何一種快樂,甚至任何一種內在感覺都不 可能是人生的目的。因為,無論是什麼樣的經驗都無法讓我們感到徹底的滿足,那麼,一 旦我們把一切快樂都除去了,還有什麼可能是人生的目的呢? 在繼續這個討論之前,我們 有必要先看看托爾斯泰所發現的人生的基本矛盾。

四. 人生的基本矛盾 在托爾斯泰(Leo Tolstoy, 1828-1910)針對人生的探索中,他發現人有個基本矛盾,他說 : 任何人活著都只是為了能過得更好,為了追求自己的幸福。… 我們無法想像一種不想獲 得個人幸福的生活。… 每個人都覺得自己的生命才是真正的生命。… 如果有人希望別人 不要遭到不幸,那只是因為別人痛苦的樣子會破壞他的幸福。… 如果有人真的希望別人 幸福,那也和希望自己幸福不一樣,他並非單純希望別人過得好,而只是讓別人的幸福來 增進自己的幸福。… 但是,這樣的追求卻必然要失敗的,幸福對於個人來說是不可能的 。人活得越久,就會清楚看到,歡樂越來越少,而寂寞、厭煩、操勞、和痛苦卻變得越來 越多,再加上精力衰退與疾病折磨,每個小時、每動一下,都在趨近於虛弱、衰老和死亡 。 ~ 托爾斯泰人生論

人天性追求個人幸福,但是我們愈是追求個人幸福就愈追求不到。因為個人幸福的走向就 像是熱力學第二定律的宇宙亂度一般不可逆的走向最大亂度。個人的幸福無論在哪一方面 似乎都不可避免的走向毀滅。就以大家最重視的健康、愛情、與事業三大方面來看,無論 如何努力的保持健康,健康總有失去的一天﹔無論如何培養愛情,愛情總有消失的時候, 而事業無論到達怎樣的巔峰,人總有死去的的時候。當人類生命狀態處在這些定數之下, 我們追求的幸福似乎也不過是過眼雲煙罷了,真正的幸福是永遠追求不到的。也就是說, 如果我們內心保持著以追求自我幸福為最終方向來生活,那麼,這樣的基本矛盾就無可避 免的落入在我們的人生之中。

即使我們想藉由幫助別人得到幸福所產生的快樂為追求個人幸福的手段,那麼,如同 托爾斯泰所說的,我們仍舊會失敗,因為個人的最終幸福還是無法獲得。 然而,這樣的基本矛盾並非牢不可破。雖然,單純的以追求個人幸福為最終目標是辦不到 的,但是人們可以藉由一種「同理心」的出現而產生蛻變。當同理心出現時,我們對於別 人的痛苦將更難以忍受。例如,當某些人看著愛人生病受苦時,如果這些苦可以轉換成自 己來受,那麼,這些人更希望自己能代替別人受苦。某些父母不願意多花幾十元好好吃一 頓美食,但卻願意多花上千元讓小孩去遊樂園玩。當我們能對別人的感受有更強烈的感覺 時,這樣的同理心甚至會超過自己的感受而產生這種很奇特的現象,這是人類的另一種天 性,這樣的天性可以破除上面所說的人的基本矛盾。因為,當同理心出現後,個人幸福就 不再是個人追求的最終目標,而真正將個人幸福的追求轉化成將別人的幸福置於優位的態 度。而且,有趣的是,從一個「別人」的角度來看,別人的幸福是可以追求到的,我們很 容易的滿足於看到自己對別人帶來的幸福,但卻不會無限制的要求下去,這是對自己與對 別人很大的不同點,而這樣的轉變與不同的處境立即破除了這個人生的基本矛盾。

最初,同理心的出現只限於自己的親人或好友,當這樣的心境開始成長茁壯,逐漸會在一 些可憐的人身上發現自己的同理心也在作用,進而發展到更多的人或其他生命體身上。當 我們同理心的作用在自己身上產生了蛻變,把幸福的目標從以自己為中心變成以他人為中 心時,這個基本矛盾似乎就不再繼續存在了。

當然,這並不是說,他人的幸福是可以永恆的,但問題在於,當追求個人幸福時,我們會 要求一個永恆的幸福,否則我們不會真正感覺到幸福,但是,當我們開始重視別人的幸福 時,我們的滿足感似乎只會建立在每一次對他人造成的幸福感而不是追求別人永恆的幸福 ,不知道人類為什麼會有這樣奇怪的現象,但我們可以說這就是我們所發現到的人的天性 ,而這樣的人性如果能夠成為人生目的與方向的指引者,那麼,這有可能就是我們生命的 指標,只不過我們尚未了解為什麼非要如此不可。由這樣的現象,我們似乎可以說,當我 們汲汲於追求個人幸福的時候,我們得不到真正的幸福,當我們開始將別人的幸福置於優 位的時候,我們反而獲得了個人真正的幸福。如同古希臘哲學家亞里斯多德(Aristotle, 384B.C.-322 B.C.)所主張的,「德性的生活才是真正幸福的人生。」為什麼會這樣? 這 是神對人類所做的一個惡作劇嗎? 還是在這樣的情況下潛藏著什麼重要的訊息? 這個問題 似乎無人能夠解答,儒家雖有類似的看法但也僅指出這個方向,「天命之謂性、率性之謂 道、修道之謂教。」而這個天命究竟是什麼? 孔子不說,其它的人也沒能說出個有說服力 的樣貌。

然而,如果這種幸福真的是我們要追求的,那麼,我們可以發現,這樣的幸福感不是經驗 機器能夠給予的,因為我們要的是真人的幸福,而不是虛擬世界中虛擬人物的幸福。然而 ,雖然在進入經驗機器後我們不會知道那些人是虛擬的人,而在虛擬世界也能獲得真正的 感覺,但問題是,抉擇是在進入機器之前,如果我們的目的就是要在協助別人幸福方面努 力,那麼,我們不會選擇進入機器,更何況,我們的最終目的並不是獲得幫助別人獲得幸 福時的個人快感,而是在這樣人性的引導下走向一個未知的目的,而該目的或許真正就是 人生的意義所在。而這個終點,未必只是一種經驗,而且,應該不是。那麼,它應該會是 什麼呢?

五. 可說與不可說 假設人生真的有意義;假設人有能力知道人生的意義;假設過去曾經有人真的發現人生的 意義。那麼,應該有人願意把人生的意義告訴別人或是寫下來讓大家都知道。但是,雖然 市面上許多宣稱已經知道生命意義的書籍,並且甚至用了大量的文字來分享其關於生命意 義的心得,或是許多還活著的人也宣稱知道生命的意義,並且不厭其煩的教導人們關於生 命意義的學問,但是,這些文字與言談卻都只能歸於宗教的行列,也就是說,我們必須要 用「相信」來「確認」生命的意義,而這些所有的敘述無法在沒有事先「相信」的前提下 讓人發現生命的意義。也就是說,我們目前無法藉由閱讀或聽講來發現人生的意義,依據 這樣的情況,我們可以推知下面幾種可能性: (1) 人生根本沒有意義,我們對人生意義的假設根本就錯了。或者, (2) 人生有意義但人類沒有能力知道。或者, (3) 人生有意義而且人類有能力知道,但尚未有人真的發現。或者, (4) 發現人生意義的人不願意讓別人知道。或者, (5) 關於人生意義的知識無法用語言文字來傳達。 之前我們提到過,在尋找生命意義的道路上,我們必須假設生命是有意義的,而且也必須 假設人類有能力知道人生的意義,否則,如果人類根本沒能力知道,我們的追尋也是沒有 意義的。那麼,在這樣的假設下,我們很難相信有史以來從來沒有任何人發現過人生的意 義,而且也很難相信當人們發現人生意義的同時會不願意告訴別人,因此,其合理的推論 則是,關於人生意義的知識無法用語言文字來表達。也就是說,人生如果有意義,其意義 必然屬於「不可說」的知識。

事實上有許多知識是不可說的,它們難以用語言文字描述出來。美國當代哲學家萊爾 (Gilbert Ryle, 1900-1976)在其著作《心的概念》將知識區分成兩種,一是關於陳述型 的(know-that)另一是關於技能型的(know-how)。技能型的知識就像是「如何游泳」、「 如何把球打好」等無法說清楚的。而且就算說了,不會的人還是不會,人們不會因為聽到 了某些說法就學會了這些技能。其實更廣泛的講,難以用語言表達清楚的知識非常的多, 例如,經常有人會對念哲學的人問「哲學是什麼?」,但是,即使是很熟悉哲學的人也很 難用語言文字說清楚哲學究竟是什麼。為什麼一個人可以毫無問題的使用「哲學」這個詞 彙但卻難以說明哲學是什麼呢? 從這個角度來看,我們可以說,「如何正確使用哲學這個 詞」就是一種技能,而這個技能不是簡單經由語言文字可以傳達的。換句話說,「知道哲 學這個詞的意義」其實就是知道「該如何正確使用『哲學』這個詞彙」一樣屬於不可言說 的知識。那麼,「知道該如何活出意義?」以及「知道生命的意義」是不是也屬於這類型 的知識呢? 如果是的話,那麼,我們就更清楚瞭解為什麼我們無法簡單的從語言文字中聽 到或看到關於生命意義是什麼的解答了。如果真是如此,那麼,我們該如何學習才能夠獲 得人生意義的知識呢?

這類無法用語言所描述的知識的主要獲得方式是「實踐」(practice)。在實踐中體會而逐 漸學會。我們可以藉由不斷練習學會「如何打球」的技能而掌握這樣的知識﹔我們也可以 透過生活型態的多方體驗而愈來愈知道怎樣生活會好過一些﹔另外,哲學學的多、用的多 、思考的多,也就逐漸掌握了哲學的基本精神而知道哲學是什麼。那麼,在人生意義的道 路上我們要實踐些什麼呢? 有什麼線索可以提供我們發現實踐的方向嗎? 這個線索可以說都一直存在著,簡單的說,如果真有這樣的線索的話,這個線索一直都很 明白的呈現在我們面前,只不過我們一直沒能好好正視它或者甚至鄙視它。除非我們天生 下來就是要被騙的,否則,這個線索只可能是那種在內心深處對生活或對生命的「不滿足 感」。這個不滿足感內在於每一個人的心裡面不斷的作用著,進而產生無論我們做什麼都 沒有意義的感覺,這樣的感覺驅策我們尋找生命的意義。如果有一種狀況可以使得這種內 在於每一個人內心深處的不滿足感徹底解決而在豐富的生命中卻對生命感到無欲無求,那 麼,這必然就是人生的意義與目的了。只不過,究竟如何才能產生這樣的滿足感卻必須每 一個人回到內心世界在人世間的生活中實踐與追尋,有時會獲得短暫的滿足、而也有時候 獲得的滿足更長一些或有時某些事情會讓人更加感動等等,這個體驗與追尋的過程卻是獲 得這個知識的必要過程,而且當自己達到了這樣的狀態之後可能也無法告訴別人生命的意 義是什麼。

上面關於生命豐富又無欲無求的說法只是我的一個猜測,我只是一個生命意義的追尋者, 而不是一個到達終點的人,關於終點是什麼的問題也只能猜測而已,但是,經由上面的推 理與討論,我相信人生如果真的有意義的話,人生意義追尋的線索應該不會錯就是尋找一 種能夠徹底滿足內心深處那種導致生命虛無感的源頭。那是什麼? 我不知道。但是,我們 可以在許多經典中看見一些相關的描述,像是佛家的「悟道」、道家的「天人合一」、儒 家的「天人合德」、以及基督教的「與神同在」等等,或許,這些是一個提供參考的部分 ,而如前所說,這些描述不可能只是一種經驗,而更大的可能性是從內在的改變了一個人 的蛻變過程。然而,依據二十世紀初期的德國哲學家維根斯坦(Ludwig Wittgenstein, 1889-1951)的看法,他說:

「人生問題的解決在於該問題的消失。(那不就是那些經長期懷疑後而發現他們的生命意 含極為清楚的人,為何說不出這個意含是什麼的理由嗎?)」~哲學論集6.521。 這個想法是另一種可能性,或許,生命意義的發現事實上就是在智慧提昇之後發現生命意 義本身就是一個虛構的問題,因而發現心中內在的虛無感源頭根本不過是一種自我的幻影 罷了,如此一來,內心深處的虛無源頭被化解了,而生命意義的問題也得到了解決。 那麼,最終的答案究竟是什麼呢? 我不知道,但願有一天我知道了可以告訴你,但是,聽 我說並沒有用,因為你自己必須走這麼一遭。

http://www.hfu.edu.tw/~cchi/critical%20thinking%20web/

現實與理想

現實與理想

@文/清華大學彭明輝教授

人生最困難的課題,莫過於現實與理想間的矛盾:我們希望有很高的收入和社會地位,讓 身週的每一個人都羨慕、敬佩,甚至於連父母都臉上有光彩;但是,我們又不想要成為金 錢的奴隸,「贏得全世界卻賠上自己」。


汽車後面的保險桿上流行一個貼條:「事業的成功,不能補償家庭的失敗。」但是,現在 到處都可以看到失敗的家庭:夫妻不合,親子生疏;收入有餘,卻不知道如何安頓心靈。 至於理想呢?到了四、五十歲的年紀,除了極少數的男人還有事業上的野心之外,絕大多 數人都已經喪失掉對生命的熱情與憧憬,只知道什麼叫做「生活上的享受」。人活了半百 ,一旦失去了對生命的熱情與嚮往,會不會活著的只是一個沒有靈魂的肉體和慾望?這樣 的人生有什麼意義?很少人敢認真去面對這麼一個質問!


「金錢不是萬能,沒錢卻萬萬不能。」這句流行話雖然很有理,大部分人卻只是拿後半句 話來強調現實的重要性。許多人不但不去深思「金錢不是萬能」的涵義,甚至也沒辦法深 刻體會到「沒錢萬萬不能」這句話在今天實際的涵義。


在今日台灣的現實處境下,只要有固定的職業收入,絕大部分人都足衣足食:房子也許小 一點、偏遠一點,車子也許舊一點,但卻衣食住行樣樣不缺。甚至在這個號稱高失業率的 年頭,許多人還是靠著自己或長輩的儲蓄在過日子,不肯屈就較辛苦、收入較少,或者社 會地位較低的工作。既然大部分的人都已經有辦法過足衣足食的日子,而遠離了「沒錢萬 萬不能」的處境,為什麼許多人都還是喜歡把這句話掛在嘴上呢?

更奇怪的是:和光復初期比起來,現在台灣人的財富不知道增加了多少倍,但是現實的壓 力卻更大了。我們看到許多人為了追求更高的收入與社會地位,而疏忽了夫妻關係的經營 ;為了「不要輸在起跑點」,而把小孩子所有的時間交給各種補習班、雙語學校、安親班 、才藝班。現在的年輕人,大部分從小只感到競爭的壓力,而感受不到情感的溫馨和心靈 內在的喜悅。現在四、五十歲的人,小時候雖然普遍地物質供應窘迫,卻有著無憂無慮的 歡樂童年。但是,現在二、三十歲的年輕人,卻有太多人連童年都是活在慘白的競爭壓力 之下。


假如我們這個社會早已脫離了「沒錢萬萬不能」的歷史處境,今天的現實壓力到底從何而 來?


壹、人需要的不多,想要的很多


人到底需要多少錢,才夠滿足現實上的需要?其實這根本沒有絕對的標準,而是和身邊的 人比較出來的。


小時候,家裡不算寬裕。難得在餐桌上看到一鍋燉肉,伸筷子去夾,在鍋邊就被祖母的筷 子敲到一邊去:「大人還沒吃,小孩子等剩下的吃!」家裡難得來個客人,沒喝完的黑松 汽水小孩子搶著喝。衣褲上只要沒有補丁,就算是家境很不錯,甚至足以傲人了。晚上睡 覺,一家五口擠在三、四坪大的臥房裡,床邊還擠著一個臭氣燻天的尿桶。今天四十歲左 右的人,誰不是這樣長大的?但是,當時誰曾經覺得自己苦?誰曾經覺得自己窮?現在每 次看到電視廣告裡「我們都是這樣長大的」的鏡頭,還不是會勾起許多人童年的甜蜜回憶 ?


今日的台灣,只要肯工作,不得已時肯當大廈廁所的清潔工,誰的日子會過得比當年還窮 ?即使是九二一的災區,只要平時有儲蓄的習慣,都還可以過得遠比我父親那一輩人好: 小學五年級就輟學,負責養活一家人,還包括一個臥病在床的父親和一堆弟妹;到建築工 地挑砂石,挑不動;到空軍基地的廚房當軍夫,只為了可以把廚房用剩的油拿給家人吃; 躲空襲,過了今天不知道有沒有明天。這麼苦的日子,只因為當時大家過的都一樣,所以 也不曾覺得苦。 想想我們童年時的物質條件,甚至我們上一代的物質條件,那樣的生活都過來了,還有什 麼樣的生活不能過?所以聖嚴法師說:「人需要的不多,但是想要的很多。」


托爾斯泰有一篇短篇小說,題名為:「人需要多少土地」。故事是這樣開始的:在帝俄時 代,有一個出身農奴的俄國人。他的體格很強健,又很努力工作,省吃簡用,所以很年輕 的時候就積存了足夠的錢,給自己贖了身。從此以後,他租別人的田,繼續努力耕作,不 但更加省吃簡用,甚至除了睡眠之外罕有休息,除非病得起不來否則天天下田。所以,到 他壯年的時候,已經存夠了積蓄,買到了幾畝良田,成為一個小小的地主。他繼續這樣子 吃苦耐勞地生活著,到了晚年的時候,他不但有十幾頃的良田,甚至還有農奴在幫他耕作 。不但衣食無缺,甚至豐盛有餘。


一般人在他這個年紀早已賦閒在家,頤養天年。但是,他仍積極地在尋找增加財富的各種 管道。有一天,他聽說在南方靠近烏克蘭的地方有一大片黑黝黝的肥沃土地,地上長的麥 子遠比他田裡的還粗大又飽實。這片一望無際的沃土屬於一個偏遠的部落,他們對金錢的 交易了解很少,只要給族長一小袋黃金,他就把你一天腳程內所能圍繞起來的整片土地都 送你。


這個農夫盤算一下,一袋黃金只不過是他十分之一的儲蓄,但一天腳程可以圍繞起來的土 地,卻是他既有土地的十幾倍。更何況,那裡的土地都遠比他現有的土地肥沃哪!所以他 就趕快帶著一小袋黃金和一個最強壯的僕人,趕到那個部落去。族長很熱情地接待他,也 證實了傳聞中的土地交易方式,只多加了一句話:假如他日出時出發,而無法在日落時趕 回到原點,他將一無所得,而那一袋黃金仍歸族長所有。對他來講,這個條件倒是很公允 。所以他就把一袋黃金交給族長,並且挑了一塊看起來最肥沃的土地,約定第二天天亮前 在那裡和族長碰面。


第二天一早他就起床吃了一頓豐盛的早餐,再叫僕人把昨晚準備好的木樁、午餐和飲水一 起背在背上,趁天亮前趕到約定的出發地點,發現族長已經和族裡一群喜歡熱鬧的人一起 在等他了。當第一道晨曦的光芒進入他眼簾的時候,他就急急忙忙地帶著他強壯的僕人一 起連走帶跑地出發。


昨夜他就已經盤算好了:一出發他就往北走,等太陽升起到40度仰角的時候,他就要左轉 往西走,在接近中午的時候他要停下來邊吃午餐邊休息一個小時左右,然後左轉往南走, 當太陽落到40度仰角的時候,他再左轉面向東方走回到原點。這樣,他就可以在這片肥沃 的土地上圍繞出一塊方方正正的土地。


他和僕人邊走邊打木樁。但是,當他朝北走到應該要左轉往西走的時候,卻發現前面的土 地更肥沃。於是他想:「沒有關係,我再往前走一段路,等一下再左轉。反正我需要的是 肥沃的土地,而不是方方正正的土地。」可是愈往前土地愈肥沃,害他一直朝著出發時往 北的方向走下去,捨不得往左轉,直到他意識到已經快接近中午了,才勉強狠心往左轉。 到了中午的時候,他才往西方走沒多遠的路,如果照計劃左轉往南走,他的土地將會非常 狹長。因此,他改變了原來的計劃,繼續往西走。此外,他放棄了中午的休息,為了趕路 而邊走邊吃。過了一段時間,他警覺到太陽已經快落到40度仰角的時候,他才焦急地想要 左轉往南走。可是算一算時間,如果這時候他才往南走,出發地點將在他的左方,他要到 什麼時候才能夠再左轉往出發點走呢?因為時間顯然不夠了,他只好放棄原來想擁有一塊 方正土地的期待,直接往出發點走過去,心裡想著:「一塊三角形的土地總好過一無所有 !」


可是,他這個決定還是太晚了,眼見著太陽即將下山,他還看不到出發點。於是他焦急地 奔跑起來,並催促著疲累的僕人把整袋木樁丟了來扶著他跑。他跑得又飢又渴卻不敢停下 來喝水,等他都已經喘不過氣來的時候,才看到遠遠山頂上有一群人在出發點上等他。可 惜的是,夕陽的最後一道餘暉已經沒入地平線下。他正傷心的時候,卻發現出發點上的人 又叫又跳,好像在鼓勵他,為他打氣。於是他想起來:出發點的地勢比較高,所以還看得 到夕陽。於是,儘管他已經喘不過氣來了,還是拼命催促僕人攙扶著他往前沒命地衝刺。 終於,在夕陽的最後一道餘暉中,他到達了出發點的山頭,累得趴在地上──卻從此再也 起不來了!


族長指揮著他的族人和這個農夫的僕人,就在山頭上幫他挖了一個墳:六尺長、三尺寬、 三尺深!


這個老農夫死後到底有沒有得到那塊肥沃的土地呢?故事沒有交代,其實讀者也不會想知 道。畢竟,人死後的財富是不值得關心的。 這個故事最令人震驚的是:這個農夫所付出的代價實在是太高了!只要他不那麼貪得,他 有很多機會可以不需要付出這個代價的。偏偏,人在追求財富的過程,往往像是中了蠱或 著了魔一樣:明知道貪欲已經過了頭,有可能會為此付出痛心的代價,卻總是欺哄自己說 :「再多一點點就好了,我以後還有補救的機會。」就這樣一直耽溺下去,直到一切補救 的機會都已經消失為止。


可是,你讀完這個故事以後就會完全解除對現實的恐懼與貪戀嗎?不見得!假如人對現實 的需要並不多,為什麼人想要的又偏偏多出那麼多?甚至於多到簡直無止境,連生命都可 以賠上!


貳、現實的壓力來自於精神上的惶恐,更甚於物質上的匱乏


今天的台灣,雖不必然每個人都可以錦衣玉食,倒也真的是絕大多數人都可以足衣足食了 。在這樣的社會條件下,一個人只要學會儲蓄與儉約的生活,不得已時願意做別人不肯做 的工作(當清潔工、值夜班、賣小吃),就可以免除現實的煩憂了。但是,很少有人願意 忍受這種簡樸的生活。主要的原因是:誰都想出人頭地,哪有人甘居人後,當工友讓人指 使?


因此,與其說現實是一種不可或缺的物質需要,還不如說它是地位和成就的象徵,是一種 自我肯定的工具!所以,說到頭來,現實根本是一種「精神上」的要求,而不是一般人所 誤以為的「生理要求」或「物質需要」。假如一個人不需要跟別人比就可以很滿足(譬如 得道高僧),他所需要的現實會很少;假如一個人整天都要跟別人比,給他再多都不夠。


換個方式說,在今日的台灣,「現實」的意思已經不再是足衣足食了,而是「免於對未來 生活的憂慮」,以及「成就感、被肯定、不受他人的輕蔑與羞辱」。


假如可以不花任何代價就獲得一筆鉅款,它將可以被用來保障我們未來的生活品質:不用 怕中年失業、生病時可以給自己和家人最好的醫療照護,還可以用最昂貴的教育來保障孩 子未來的競爭能力和生活品質。當一個人的財富多到三代也用不完的時候,他就真的可以 不用再為現實煩憂了。還有更重要的,財富可以用來肯定自己的能力、贏取別人的尊敬與 羨慕、讓別人不敢卑視你。


相較之下,假如一個人的收入只足夠應付眼前的衣食與住行,也許他可以不羨慕有錢人的 物質享受,但是他卻要如何去面對未來生活中不確定的風險(如失業、老年醫療)?更何 況,一個收入低的人,如何面對親戚眼光中的輕蔑,乃至於言語中坦白的的嘲諷與羞辱? 從小到大,我們被重複地教會了一個現實:沒有了錢,在別人眼中就連最基本的人格尊嚴 也都沒有了!


我曾經問學生一個問題:「假如我是神仙,可以幫你實現一個願望,但是你只能從以下兩 個願望中挑一個,你會挑哪一個?(1)給你像比爾蓋茲一樣的財富,但是你要跟他一樣 ,終日和鉤心鬥角、唯利是圖的人生活在一起。(2)讓你一輩子衣食無缺,沒有多餘的 財富,也沒有現實的壓力,但是你一生中所接觸到的人,都能肯定你,並且懷著善意接納 你。」


聽完這個問題,所有的人都用理所當然的口氣說:「當然是後面那一個!」


這個簡短的對話突顯出幾個事實:(1)大部分的人都想擁有比爾蓋茲的財富,卻不想要 和鉤心鬥角、唯利是圖的人生活在一起。也就是說,財富雖然吸引人,但是衡量過所需要 付出的代價後,並不是每個人都願意不惜一切代價去追求多餘的財富。(2)對大部分的 人而言,假如可以被肯定、被接納、被善意地對待,那麼他們對現實的所求就可以降低到 「一輩子衣食無缺」的程度,而不願意為了多餘的財富付出沒必要的代價。


其實,一個人只要職業穩定,有固定的收入與退休金(譬如公教人員),那麼他將和比爾 蓋茲一樣地一輩子不愁吃穿。因此,他們財富上的懸殊只能造成一個實質上的差異:他們 死的時候,比爾蓋茲會留下比較多錢。但是,死後的財富有什麼意義呢?值得人為它做任 何的犧牲嗎?所以說,顯然一般人所以羨慕比爾蓋茲,為的不是他死後留下多少財產,而 是這些財產在他生前帶給他的自我肯定和別人羨慕的眼光。因此,人之所以會去追逐一生 花不完的財富,積極的說是為了自我肯定,消極的說是為了自我武裝,防範別人的輕蔑與 羞辱。也正因為財富對人而言最大的吸引力是被肯定、被接納,所以一旦我們可以不需付 出任何代價就被肯定、被接納的時候,我們就會吝於為多餘的財富付出沒必要的犧牲。因 此,在前面的問答裡,我們會選擇「一輩子衣食無缺,沒有多餘的財富,但是被肯定、被 接納」;而不願意為了比爾蓋茲的財富,去忍受和唯利是圖的人朝夕相處。


所以,假如這是一個充滿善意的社會,人人願意彼此急難救助,相互接納、肯定,應該就 很少有人願意為了名利而付出夫妻失和、親子生疏、心靈空洞等代價了。在這樣的社會裡 ,人們將會花費更多的心力,認真地去思索人生的意義,追求超出現實層次的「自我實現 」。而平常被當作空話、不務實的理想、熱情、憧憬、嚮往、心靈、生命等等東西,將會 變得非常地吸引人,令人振奮,甚至於是「人要有滋味地活下去所不可或缺」的要素。


不幸的是,我們從來都沒有經驗過那樣子有善意的社會。在這個現實的社會裡,人都太勢 利。或者說,雖然人都或多或少隱藏著一些對人的善意,但是這個社會的習氣卻太惡質, 使得這些善意根本無從傳達、交流。從一懂事開始,我們就經常被親戚和鄰居拿來做為「 比輸贏」的工具。還沒上幼稚園的時候就比看誰家小孩長得漂亮,看起來聰明。到了幼稚 園,小朋友也學著大人的口氣,比出國的次數,比汽車和房子的大小。小學開始就被拿來 比成績,比才藝,比英語,爸爸、媽媽、姑姑、阿姨、叔叔、伯伯都七嘴八舌地進來攪和 ,不把這場輸贏的比較弄到沸騰就不罷休。難得過年,所有表兄弟姊妹玩在一起,偏偏就 會有三姑六婆或阿姨、舅媽會問:「你們家慧娟功課好不好呀?」或者假猩猩地炫耀:「 我們家志潔當了學校的小市長,回家都不肯講,還是老師打電話來道賀才知道呢!」活在 這種整天比輸贏、爭高下的惡質習氣裡,每個人自衛都來不及,根本沒有機會表達出隱藏 在心裡的善意,甚至因為害怕天真的善意會換來無情的羞辱,以致於在一再的壓抑之後, 對自己的善意變得愈來愈遲鈍而不敏感,最後甚至於感受不到它的存在! 就這樣子,我們每個人都被教養成隨時在為不可預期的「決鬥」作準備。收入再多都不夠 ,隨時可能會碰到一個親戚或同學半路殺出來,用更高的收入把你踩到腳底下去。社會地 位再高也不足,隨時爸媽都可能會碰到一個失散多年的同學,用更傑出的兒子把你比下去 ,讓你爸媽多年來的驕傲瞬間變成一團糞土。子女的成績再好也不夠,你隨時可能會發現 工友的兒子成績更傑出,讓你的自尊心變成別人腳底下的一塊髒抹布。每次碰到熟人或陌 生人,你都要機警地防範對方會不會無預警地出招,一刀斃命地殘殺了你的自尊,讓你的 屈辱汨汨不絕從傷口湧出來,甚至讓你在滿溢的屈辱中窒息而死。


所以,我們急著用百萬名車武裝自己,從遙遠的距離就開始發出自衛的訊號:「你們誰都 別想瞧不起我!」我們用千萬豪宅當武器,看誰不順眼就輕描淡寫地把對方的自尊心踩在 地板上。在區公所被辦事員刁難或瞪白眼的時候,就拿出亮麗的學位或頭銜,逼對方彎下 腰來道歉,甚至露出諂媚的神情來抱大腿。我們加入了那個「人欺人」的社會,用學位、 豪宅、汽車、收入、儲蓄、配偶的成就或容貌、子女的成績和成就,以及一切可能的工具 ,一邊武裝自己,一邊在必要的時候反擊。開始的時候或許不習慣、不情願,久了以後卻 像決鬥巖流島的宮本武藏,決鬥成為一種本能,刀一出鞘就可以讓對手尊嚴掃地、屈辱橫 流。然後,我們就可以偶而輕輕鬆鬆地感慨著說:「唉!這真是個人欺人的社會!」


然後,我們開始羨慕,甚至於崇拜,傳說中的史丹福大學教授。他不但有亮麗的學位和頭 銜,而且自己在矽谷開一家上市的高科技公司,財產有好幾十億美元。從來都是別人聽他 的,沒有人能夠指揮他。所有他看上的女人,甚至不需要他開口,只要眨個眼,就會自動 跟他上床。有一次機場因為大雪而下令所有飛機停飛,他硬是叫州長身邊的要人打電話給 機場主管,逼得機場塔台不得不讓他起飛。這個人,就像美國人最崇拜的英雄:「他只負 責定規矩,從來不需要遵從(He makes rules but follows none)。」這樣的人,簡直 就是美國人心目中的宮本武藏。而在這個萬事以美國為尊的台灣社會裡,這樣的人簡直就 是傳奇英雄,每個人心目中的偶像。


於是,許多年輕人提起他們的「理想」時,他們說的就是這種「永遠把別人踩在腳底下」 的人。他們所謂的愛情,指的是每個異性都愛她╱他,但是她╱他卻很可能不愛任何人。 他們所謂的「自我肯定」,其實一半是自衛的姿態,一半是把別人踩在腳底下的慾望。他 們所謂的「理想」,其實在中文字典裡原本應該是叫做「野心」。


這是一個沒有能力分辨什麼叫鄙野、粗暴,什麼叫崇高、熱情的時代!


當然,人是有護衛他的尊嚴的需要。但是,我們需要多少的財富、頭銜與地位,才能達到 自衛的需要?而這些財富、頭銜與地位,又值得我們為它付出多大的代價呢?


參、金錢只能換來虛假的情意,而換不來真心的接納與善意


托爾斯泰晚年寫了一部很薄、也很感人的小說:【伊凡 o 伊列區之死】,探討一個問題 :「人一生中真正值得去追求的究竟是些什麼?」


伊凡 o 伊列區是個高等法院檢察長,有一個人人羨慕的漂亮太太,交往的都是彼得堡的 上流階級和貴族。他從小聰明伶俐,善於察言觀色,也善於應對逢迎。因為出身貧苦,所 以從小就力爭上游,立志要出人頭地。他聰明又用功,很順利地拿到人人稱羨的大學文憑 。進入法院以後,他比別人更用心辦案,也擅長交際,所以就比同事更快地獲得各種升遷 的機會。在人生最高峰的中年時,他和美麗的太太搬進了彼得堡寬敞的豪宅裡,開始用心 佈置這個家。就在掛窗簾的時候,他從高高的梯子上摔下來,從此臥病不起。 從小到大,他第一次有很多時間去看他身週的人,以及他這一生真正所擁有的。雖然他很 用心佈置這個房子,極力想要擺脫中產階級的品味,但是從傢俱到窗簾,沒有一樣東西和 他相同社會階級的人有任何的不同。就像他的一生,雖然他一直都不甘心當平凡人,但是 卻也從來不曾追求過任何和別人不一樣的東西。因為,他從來都不曾知道自己在追求的是 什麼,也從來也不曾認真問過自己到底要的是什麼!整個一生,他只是活在別人的期許和 羨慕之中。所有他曾追求過的東西,都只是因為別人認為那些東西很體面,值得稱許或羨 慕,而沒有一樣是他自己要的。就像他的婚姻,不是因為兩人相愛,而是因為大家都認為 他們兩人條件相當,未來將是非常體面的一對。


臥病以後,他那愛慕虛榮的的太太和女兒從來不曾真正關心過他。其實,他也從來不曾關 心過別人。醫生不在乎他的疼痛與憂慮,不把他當作一個有感覺有思想的人,只是機械化 地用專業角度在處理他的身體。這就像他在法院一貫的風格,他只想從專業角度把所有的 案件冷漠而優雅地處理掉,冷漠到近乎無情與殘酷。即使發現當事人有冤屈或不得已的苦 衷,他還是硬著鐵石心腸依法辦事。他的同事沒有人同情他,反而整天在打聽他的遺缺可 以帶給哪些人升遷的機會,就如同他以往在類似場合下會有的一貫作風。把他和家人聯結 在一起的力量不是愛情與親情,而是虛榮心和一家人的面子;把他和同事連結在一起的, 不是同事的情誼或關懷,而是社交的利益和人脈網絡的經營。沒有人是真心地活著,大家 都只是活在別人的期許和羨慕裡!


當他看透了這一切,突然發現他從來不曾有過真心的喜悅和眼淚,不曾為自己的心願而生 活、奮鬥,他的一生根本都是虛假的、空洞的、不值得的。他很想從頭來過,嘗試過一種 更貼心、更真實的人生。但是,他已經是絕症的末期,沒有第二次的機會了! 人生最可怕的,莫過於在人生已經不可能再重頭開始的時刻裡,卻對自己有過的一生感到 後悔、不值得!那麼,人要怎麼活這一生,才會覺得值得呢?我們曾否認真地想過?


我問學生,妳願意花多少時間去準備妳的婚禮?很多人都願意花整整一個月的時間去籌備 。那麼,妳是否曾經花一整天的時間去想想:「什麼是妳這一生中最想擁有、最珍貴的東 西?」不曾有過!太忙了,國中開始忙聯考,聯考後還有聯考,大學畢業後還有研究所, 研究所畢業後要進園區。進了園區更忙,忙得有家歸不得,有些人連想生小孩都找不到時 間。


「那麼,你會不會是第二個伊凡 o 伊列區,臨死的時候才對一生後悔?」「不會吧!想 辦法賺錢解決現實的問題比較實際,沒有必要花時間去想『人生觀』這種無意義的問題! 」 真的嗎?


大部分的人從一懂事開始就活在怕被別人比下去的恐懼當中,所以終其一生,他們只有在 現實的恐嚇下拼命地力爭上游,追求財富與權勢,作為武裝自己和踐踏別人的工具,卻從 來沒有機會停下腳步來好好地想一想:這樣子做,真的會解決他們的問題嗎?


可是,假如你會怕鬼,你總覺得鬼在你的身後。你愈是跑得快,愈是覺得背後有什麼東西 在追你。真的要解決這個恐懼,唯一的辦法是停下腳步來,勇敢地往後面看清楚。只有當 你敢往後面去看鬼的真相時,鬼才會消失掉。一味地在它的恐嚇下拼命地往前跑,累死了 也解決不了問題。面對現實的壓力,道理也是一樣的。只有當我們看透了現實能給我們, 以及不能給我們的是什麼之後,我們才有可能坦然地面對現實。


假如我們所以追求現實,為的是自我的肯定和別人的善意、接納,這一定要用名利權位才 能達成嗎?還是說我們可以有更簡潔、更有效的方式來肯定自我,並且獲得別人更真心的 善意與接納?


讓我們再來做一個實驗:請你就認識的熟人中,選出五個你認為最值得尊敬的人,和五個 你最討厭的人,把他們的名字寫在紙上。然後你仔細分析看看,你認為最值得尊敬的人當 中,有幾個剛好是學歷最高、或者最富有、或者最有權勢的?除此之外,你也仔細查查看 ,最讓你受不了的人中,有幾個剛好是學歷最高、或者最富有、或者最有權勢的?很多人 都會發現:在名、利、權、位的追逐上愈成功的人,往往也是最討人嫌的人!那麼,這個 社會為什麼普遍鼓勵我們去追逐名利與權位?因為這些東西對陌生人很有效!


譬如,妳到戶政事務所去辦文件,承辦人對前面幾位都大小聲,亂發脾氣。輪到妳的時候 ,他看到妳光鮮亮麗的衣著和妳先生的博士頭銜,態度突然柔和謙卑起來,這時候會讓妳 覺得衣飾和頭銜很好用。但是,這些表面上的榮耀與光彩,只對陌生人有用。對於那些和 我們朝夕相處的人而言,名利與權位很難影響到他們對我們的善意與肯定。譬如說,你最 要好的朋友或許會在你獲得博士學位時為你高興一下下,但是沒多久你和他的關係又回復 到以往的狀態。反過來說,假如有人因為你新獲得的名利與權位而急著和你結交,這種虛 情假意的朋友還不如不要!


絕大部分的人都和伊凡 o 伊列區一樣,花費一生的精力去追求表面上的榮耀,雖然這會 換來許多陌生人的羨慕與激賞,卻換不來身邊人真心的善意與對待。一輩子只為了一群不 相干的路人而活著,值得嗎?很多全球著名的藝人都有酗酒、吸毒的麻煩,就因為舞台上 的風光掩飾不住私生活中的空洞與虛幻。


我沒有辦法許諾你一生當中所遭遇到的人都接納你、肯定你、對你懷著善意。但是,如果 要做到「你常接觸到的人大多數都接納你、肯定你、對你懷著善意」,這並不會很難,而 且它和你所擁有的權勢、名利、地位幾乎毫不相干。其實你要做的,只不過是對別人時時 懷著善意。


金錢換不來人的善意,只有善意可以換來善意。假如你希望熟人對你有善意,最重要的是 你要有能力對別人懷著善意。終身在印度救濟貧民的泰瑞莎修女,她在全球所獲得的肯定 、尊敬與善意,遠遠超過比爾蓋茲和英國女皇。


假如你是一個對生命的真諦有深刻體認的人,而且對別人懷著善意,那麼所有認識你的人 都會尊敬你、接納你,並且對你懷著善意。當然,大部分的陌生人還是看不到你對生命的 體認,因而只能從外表的判斷對你漠視、輕蔑,甚至羞辱你。但是,假如你真的對生命的 真諦有深刻體認了,你還會在意別人只憑外表所做出的輕率判斷嗎?


所以,我們所以需要外在的現實武裝來保護自己,真正的原因是:我們想用它來遮掩我們 內在的貧乏(包括智性的與情感的)。但是,一個內在貧乏的人,不管他在外表尚有多麼 足以誇耀的權勢、名利與地位,他自己會知道自己的貧乏,他的親人會知道,而他身週的 朋友也都會知道。我們可以愚弄馬路上的陌生人,卻愚弄不了自己,以及身週朝夕相處的 人。因此,想要靠權勢、名利與地位去換得身週熟人的肯定與尊敬,還不如努力去累積自 己的人生智慧和對人的善意。


伊凡 o 伊列區一生最大的錯誤,就是沒有警覺到:掙取權勢、名利與地位的過程需要耗 費大量的時間和心力,而累積人生智慧和善意的過程也需要耗費大量的時間和心力,因此 ,贏得權勢、名利與地位的過程必然犧牲了我們可以用來累積人生智慧和善意的資源。結 果,一個人在權勢、名利與地位的追逐上愈成功,往往他在人生智慧和善意的累積上愈貧 乏。一個外表亮麗而內在貧乏的人,註定只能吸引陌生人的羨慕,而無法贏得身週人的真 心肯定與善意。


所謂「贏得全世界而失去了自己」,正是伊凡 o 伊列區的寫照。但是,它卻也正是整個 社會盲目地在追求的人生目標。當你仔細看清楚這個真相的時候,會不會一身冷汗?


肆、沒有了憧憬與熱情,生命還有什麼味道?


人活著,假如生命裡早已不再有任何的感動、嚮往與憧憬,而只剩下虛榮和財富,以及為 了把別人踩在腳底下而終日無歇地苦勞與鉤心鬥角,這樣的人生,究竟是什麼樣的滋味? 這樣的人,和行尸走肉有什麼差別?


但是,大部分的人都只是盲目地想延長壽命,而很少去注意活著的品質。所以,即使看透 了「現實的成就換不來別人真心的接納與善意」,很多人還是捨不掉對財富的盲目追逐。 因為,財富可以用來保障未來的生活與醫療品質,還可以用來延長壽命。


居安思危的風險管理其實是值得提倡的,但卻沒有必要讓它變成一種毫無節制的誇張性恐 慌。假如只是要保障家人在自己意外之後可以有最起碼的生活能力,消費性保險的保費是 一個有限的財力負擔,並不需要為了它而終日追逐無窮無盡的財富。但是,大部分人真正 擔心的卻是:假如罹患絕症,而沒有足夠的財富接受長期耗費鉅資的醫療,怎麼辦?


大陸有個叫馬橋的偏遠小鎮,在那裡年輕人叫做「貴生」,上了五十歲的人叫做「賤生」 。年輕時活得健康、有憧憬、有熱情、有活力,生命是可貴的,所以叫「貴生」;上了五 十歲,齒危髮禿,吃不得、動不得、渾身是病,死拖活賴地活著其實也不是什麼特別值得 高興的事,所以叫「賤生」。所以,活不活得好不好,其實遠比活多久還重要。


一位六十多歲的醫師發現自己有癌症,考慮良久之後,決定不就醫,而把一部份財產捐給 慈善機構後就去旅行了。醫界朋友說他不肯和癌症抵抗是為病人立下一個錯誤的範例,他 回答:假如我決心和癌症對抗,可能要花好幾年的時間臥在病床上,即使治好也是身體虛 弱,不能再好好利用我的殘年。但是假如我不浪費時間在病床上,就可以利用這三五年, 好好去做我一直期待著要做的事。何況,與其拿龐大的財富去醫治一個原本就已自然地衰 老的身體,還遠不如把這錢給非洲那些貧困而健康的兒童,讓他們有機會好好地度過一生 !


大部分人都只是未經深思地企圖延長肉體的生命,卻從來不曾思索過:要怎麼活才是值得 ?從釋迦牟尼的角度看,除非人活著是為了一些憧憬與嚮往,否則無去地活著而時時必須 忍受生老病死的各種苦,實在沒什麼道理。


人所以能熱切而充滿活力地生活著,是因為他對人生還懷有著期待與盼望,因為他還有理 想與熱情;而生活之所以困乏而無趣,則是因為我們已經喪失掉對人生的好奇以及對未來 的憧憬。假如一個人早已喪失掉生命裡所有的感動、熱情、嚮往與憧憬,就算給他全部的 現實,他還有可能靠著空洞的軀殼去活出有滋味的人生嗎?


偏偏,很多人都發現:現在賺的錢遠比小時候所能想像的多了幾十倍,卻比小時候所能想 像的還更不快樂!


回想起小時候,每天一張開眼就急切地翻身下床,興奮地往外面跑,對這個世界充滿著好 奇與盼望,對人生充滿著嚮往與期待。但是,長大後有錢了,自己可以作主了,卻反而失 去了對人生的憧憬與期待。人生,好像就意味著無盡的苦勞,以及永遠不會終止的輸贏和 野心!即使偶而和朋友嬉鬧、聚餐、逛街、乃至於party,那種歡樂不管多興奮、刺激, 都好像氣球裡的空氣,過一夜就消散得無影無蹤。每次狂歡之後,最難忍受的是隨之而來 的悵惘與失落感。長大以後的快樂好像都很不實在,很少能留在記憶裡。


面對這種現象,很多人都會不假思索地說:「長大了就要面對現實呀,只有長不大的人才 會甩不掉小時候的天真!」言下之意,現實雖然是一種無奈,卻是人活著所不得不認真面 對的。假如活著真的就是一種無奈,死活又有什麼好掛慮的?人又何必為了不可測的未來 而整天辛辛苦苦地鑽營財富?顯然,活多久根本不是重要的問題,重要的是活得起不起勁 !


很少人能體認到:其實,人活著,最重要的不是現實上的成就,而是保持心中的憧憬、嚮 往與喜悅。假如我們能像小孩子一樣隨時保持著對這世界的好奇、憧憬與嚮往,我們的心 就會隨時保持著喜悅。在那種心情下,現實的一切都很難對我們造成困擾。反之,當我們 對人生的熱情、理想、憧憬與嚮往愈淡薄的時候,現實對我們的糾葛就愈深。所以,與其 說人是因為現實的存在而喪失了理想,不如說人是因為喪失了理想所以才會掉入現實的漩 渦。


那麼,人的熱情與理想怎麼會消失呢?


很多人都不知道理想與熱情是需要細心栽培、灌溉、維護、修補的。甚至於理想與熱情是 需要我們花費很大的心力去創造、經營的。 小孩子所以能夠隨時保持著對這世界的好奇、憧憬與嚮往,確實是因為他們未經世事,因 此對他們而言,天底下沒有哪一件事情是不可能的。我問一個幼稚園的小朋友:「假如我 給你一千塊錢,你要拿它做什麼?」他說:「給我媽媽買一座城堡。」對他們而言,明天 就是一切的可能性。不管是什麼事情,如果今天做不到,那麼只要等他長大,他就會做得 到。


但是,對大人而言,所有今天不可能的,明天將更加地不可能。隨著年紀愈大,我們愈清 楚地知道現實的侷限性。尤其是四十歲的人,所有能得到的他都已經得到了,所有還未得 到的他都已經嘗試過了,現在不可能的都永遠不再有可能了。於是,生命成為一攤死水, 困窘而促狹地被擠壓在一個小小的角落裡,怎麼樣子都活不開來。


不過,也不是所有的成年人都這樣。有些人機緣好,在童真的熱情消失之前,他們就已經 利用年少時的熱情發展出新的憧憬與盼望,把它給寄託在文學、藝術或者對於大自然的關 愛當中。隨著年齡漸長,他們的情感持續獲得更寬廣多樣的滋潤,從戲劇、舞蹈、音樂、 文學、電影、哲學與宗教作品中,他們一再經歷心靈被激勵、提昇、陶醉的感動。在這個 綿延數千年的歷史人文精神裡頭,他們感受到生命內在的活力與無限開展的可能性;在前 人的引導下,他們見證著人類精神世界的波瀾壯闊與甘苦酸甜。對這樣的人而言,活著就 是一種可能!對他們而言,人的熱情有生滅、有消長、有困頓與豐盈,卻不會了無生機。 因為,通過戲劇、舞蹈、音樂、文學、電影、哲學與宗教作品的傳承,我們隨時有機會去 親近過去四千年來人類最極致而精粹的生命經驗,以及最璀璨動人的時刻。


當我們感受到自己的情感愈來愈細膩深刻,思想愈來愈開闊透徹時,我們也見證著自己內 在生命的生機與開展。活在這樣一種持續的開展之中,我們才能夠有信心地說:活著,就 是一種可能。也因此,我們才能夠信心滿滿地對人生懷著憧憬與熱情。活在這樣的情境裡 ,我們不需要別人羨慕的眼光就能夠自我肯定,被陌生人鄙視時也能坦然地面對自己。這 樣的自我肯定,遠比通過財富或名利更來得踏實。這樣地活,才真正活得有滋味。只有體 會過這種生命的滋味的人,才能真心信服聖經裡的許諾:


「不要為生命憂慮吃什麼,為身體憂慮穿什麼;因為生命勝於飲食,身體勝於衣裳。你想 想烏鴉,牠也不種也不收,又沒有倉又沒有庫,上帝尚且養活牠。你們比飛鳥是何等地貴 重呢!你們哪一個能用思慮使壽數多加一刻呢?這是最小的事,你們尚且做不到。為什麼 還憂慮其餘的事呢?你想百合花怎麼長起來;它也不勞苦,也不紡線。然而我告訴你們, 就是所羅門極榮華的時候,他所穿戴的,還不如這朵花呢!你們這些小信的人哪,野地裡 的草今天還在,明天就丟到爐裡,上帝還給它這樣的妝飾,何況你們呢!」── 路加福 音12:22


結語


現實,是人活著不可逃脫的必要條件。但是,真正的現實,不過是足衣足食而已。人會把 現實誇大到那麼令人惶恐的程度,其實是因為他已經喪失了對生命的熱情、憧憬與嚮往, 卻又不甘願讓生命歸於徒然而一無所有的虛空。但是,財富換不來真誠的善意與接納,也 阻擋不住生命中空虛的吶喊。其實,一旦能做到衣食無缺之後,人真正的需要是熱情、理 想、憧憬與嚮往,而不是現實。


但是,離開童年之後,人的熱情、理想、憧憬與嚮往是需要花心力去培養、經營與創造的 。可悲的是,人經常花了太多的時間在經營他的現實,以致讓他的熱情、理想、憧憬與嚮 往一一消耗殆盡,只剩下空洞的靈魂,在陌生人的羨慕中,困窘地而孤單地反覆著沒有滋 味的人生。

12/28/2007

What does Christmas mean to me?

Hum, I don’t quite remember what I wrote in Tuesday morning. (I should’ve written it down immediately after class.)

December 25, Christmas Day, is also a memorial day for our Constitutions. But it’s no longer a holiday since I was junior high. When I was junior high, friends of mine and I wrote Christmas cards to each other. We gave each other our wishes, and hoped each other to be happy or to fall in love with a potential lover. If we wanted to know someone in the opposite gender, we also wrote them cards, described how we felt about them; that could make us knowing each other more, and have general classmates becoming friends, or beyond friendship. And I still have a box that stores those cards I received during the three years (I miss those cards but I didn’t re-read them for many years).

However, when I graduated from junior high school, I went to a junior collage (five-year collage) that was set for boys only. And classmates of mine did not celebrate Xmas anymore. Christmas day, to me, cecame a meaniful day for lovers only. Some classmates of mine would hang out with their girlfriends, but most of the time my roommates and I might stay in the dorm and prepare for electricity or calculus quizzes, and send blessings to some friends by MSN in Xmas Eve. Some communities of my school would hold a ball, and some friends of mine would have a short-strip with girl-schools, but I only attended those activities on occasion when I was junior, and I attended them less and less as I progressed to my senior year. Christmas day seemed to be a day we met people whom we did not know, and whom we even would not contact with, to escape from our loneliness.

After all, I went to a party with my ex-coworkers last Xmas Eve when I was a part-time employee in a study-center. We started from the midnight, the time we were off work, till dawn. It had a lot of funs. We circled with a hot pot, exchanged gifts by lottery, and ate and chatted. That time I just joined the company, and after the party, I became familiar with each co-worker. We did no met each other very often, that enabled us knowing each other better though.

Maybe Christmas Day is a chance that we can know each other better, but most of time, it acts like an usual working day. I still have to go to school, do my homework, and prepare the final exam which is scheduled on the following day. Some of my friends may hang out with their girlfriends, or girls they like. Most of us stay at dorm, library, or Labs as usual, and do nothing special at all. Maybe I do usual things with unusual emotions in this day. Maybe I think I should do something special today, but I do not know what to do, and it is better to deal with those things that I need to do. Xmas may be special and memorial for Christians, lovers, maybe businessmen, but not for me, at least not this year.

加班

昨天,八點下班
今天,不知道幾點會下班
禮拜六,還要加班……

囧了
只剩禮拜天可以寫作業跟project了...


12/20/2007

A Child Cried

This week, I made a child cry. I take a one credit class which is called Disadvantaged Children Tutoring. The attendees are required to tutor children in their homework as well as playing with them until their parents take them home or out of attendees’ due time. My time is scheduled at every Wednesday, and one of the kids whom I am mainly in charge of is a boy, Jian-an, which means constructing and smooth, safe, and peace. Jian-an is a kid who is prone to whine. Sometimes he is whining for adults’ consciousness and attention. Sometimes he asks me for doing his homework since he thinks he can’t do it, and I help him drawing with my childlike sketches on occasion.

This Wednesday he asked me for drawing, and I drew two pieces of silly overlapping soda cookies, a helmet, and a constructing building and a crane for him. He was satisfied, which I thought that day would go smoothly. However, when he started doing a Chinese words practicing homework, he was tired. He was doing it reluctantly, with continuous whines, and begging for my help. He wanted me doing those stuffs for him. But I refused to satisfy his desire. I said I couldn’t do the homework for him, I could demonstrate how to do it but I couldn’t benefit him in that way, there was no benefit to him. Then he in turn began crying, complaining, and whining. He said he’s tired, he’s sick of this. I said he could relax, eat something, or go playing. But he just still sat in his chair, and cried occasionally. I told him that’s okay, I would accompany him with his homework until he finished it, took it easy. And he continued his homework, and whined occasionally. Finally, he cried again, and drew some attention from others. And the chief tutor came to take care of him. He seemed happier, and writing those characters and words faster. When he finished his homework, I said good-bye to him and left.

I told this to one of my classmates, he said I could tell him I wasn’t able to do it, or I could’ve told him I wrote first character, and he must finish the rest, that would not work like a cheat. Well, I may have to try it next time.

12/18/2007

Who Are You

    Who are you? Do you know who you are? Are you able to speak in such a way that others will know who you are? How will you speak? What words do you use?


    Frankly, I don’t really know who I am. If I have to use words to describe who I think I am, I would say: my name is Shine and I am a Computer Science major at the NTUST.

    I am a male technically and obviously, nonetheless, sometimes I act in a way that not satisfies social desirability, for example, my eyes sometimes become moist when I see a tear-jerker. And I am an introverted, pensive, kind of pessimistic person. If silence is one way to speak, then I think I may be able to make people know who I am since usually I don’t speak at all. I think and read more often than I talk. I am a common reader, as everyone who likes reading, I have a lot of unfinished books on my bookshelf, and new books always come so fast, that I never finished those books on my bookshelf. I read, therefore I am. Furthermore, I am a judicious person most of time but nevertheless investigative sometimes. I can make decision for myself easily most of time, but sometimes I am frustrated about making decision for important issue such as my future, or something trivial such as what to buy for a drink. Moreover, I am also a logical and analytic person, most of time I speak and think in such way, but sometimes my brain and tongue malfunction, that may hint that I am a computer guy. Most of all, I am a solitude person. I enjoy being alone. I like my own company. I love the atmosphere that makes me be able to talk to myself and to understand myself. I am learning the art of enjoying solitude in this noisy world.

    The most bothering thing to me would be schoolwork. Now I worry about the up-coming final exam of Mobile Computing, which will take place at the day after X’mas day. The final presentation of that course also worries me; the presentation is scheduled at the beginning of January 2008. Students in that course are asked to present a paper, but I haven’t prepared. Mobile Computing is a grad-school course; I am the only undergrad who takes it. I hope I can obtain a satisfying grade from it. On the other hand, the up-coming project presentation of Internet Security and Cryptology, which is set in the end of this year, also bothers me profoundly. Furthermore, I have a meeting with a grad senior tomorrow, who is in charge of my undergrad project. I hope the meeting will go smoothly and the project can be finished on time. Recently, I am waiting for the results of my applications for grad schools. And unfortunately, I am in the second choice list of the NTU, NTHU, and NCKU. NTU announced their second round result last Thursday, and I need two more people give up their entrance to get into the CSIE department. Similarly, I have to wait 24 more people giving up their entrance to get into the CS department at the NTHU. Worst of all, it is almost impossible that so much people drop the NTU or NTHU. However, fortunately, I was in the best choice of the NTUST, and I was accepted by the CSIE department at the NCKU yesterday. According this situation, I will probably go to Tainan if I have no luck at the NTU or NTHU.

    Despite the love of reading, another character of mine which is different to most of my classmates would be the part-time and intern experiences. I have had a part-time job at Wanner Cinema Village, a study-center, etc. The strange thing is that I still don’t know why that people were so hesitated, no mater in the highest class cinema or in the mass studying area. They always seemed to live in hustle and bustle. Furthermore, I was in an internship at Formosa in 2004, where I was responsible for assisting office affairs and developing a database program. In the contrast, this summer, I was in an internship at Texas Instruments, where what we summer interns had to do are finishing two projects each, no trivial office stuffs at all. Now, I am a part-time programmer and administrator of servers at a small foreign business located in Neihu. In spite of the unsatisfying low salary, it is a place where I can really enjoy the benefits of teamwork so far.

    Thus far, I noticed that I am a realistic person, yet reality is what I want to escape from.

12/17/2007

嗯...
上上禮拜台科放榜
結果是免口試逕行錄取 (終於...唯一一所正取)

今天發現被上成大了
他們還打電話確認..現在只要等報到掛號信就好了

台大第二階段備取出來
還差兩名...>"<

清大...
還差的遠...遠....遠.....


期末要到了
書都還沒念
專題要趕快結束
還有一個課堂專題12/31要 Presentation
還有一門研究所的課一月初要 Paper Presentation...

Oh My....

12/15/2007

[轉錄][社心]主題:獨處與寂寞(台灣大學社會系,李明璁)

http://blog.roodo.com/camduck/archives/4592013.html

主題:獨處與寂寞

Part 1. 什麼叫「孤獨」(solitude)?和寂寞一樣嗎?
先來看看孤獨的鄰居們:

一、寂寞 loneliness

一種不愉快的情緒:渴望與他人產生互動卻不可得。
此一情緒包含了:
無法被滿足的上述渴望、
改變(或扭曲)的生理感受(「風特別冷」)、
改變(或扭曲)的認知判斷(「眼前的情侶甚或路人或流浪狗,對我都不甚友善」)

所以有可能在人群中(並不獨自alone),但卻相當寂寞:lonely but not alone,因
為環繞你的可能不是你想與之產生互動的人。

孤獨和寂寞的根本差異:
不快樂是寂寞必然內含的一部份,但一個孤獨者卻有可能不快樂也有可能快樂。

二、隱私 privacy

一種免於被別人看見、揭開甚或侵擾的狀態。
如果說寂寞始於欲望的不滿,隱私則是一種對權利的保衛。

三、隔絕 isolation

物理空間上有被區隔開來的狀態(可能是明顯可見也可能是隱晦感知的)。
荒島、牢獄、當兵...當然如此處境經常引發寂寞或孤獨。

四、疏離 alienation

在馬克思主義的論述脈絡下,稱之為「異化」。

異化:人的意識跟自己的勞動疏離、人跟其他一起勞動的人疏離、人跟他所生產的東西
疏離...

疏離或異化都意味著一種:整體性和聯繫性的斷裂、分割,於是人失去了決定權和主控
權,甚至導致人際關係的破碎。

疏離和寂寞一樣,本質上是令人不快的。
疏離是一種被動式,而孤獨則可能是一種主動式。

寂寞和疏離都是一種「指涉他人的意識狀態」:
你覺得你和同學之間疏離、或因此感到寂寞,那是因為你注意到他們的存在、或說你認
為你們應該是一個更具聯繫感的整體(結果卻無法),

而孤獨有可能是一種「無關他者的意識」(consciousness-without-other)

由此,浮現了「孤獨」的面貌:
是一種相對開放的意識狀態(可以是令人難受但也可能是愉悅的)

相對於寂寞、隱私、隔絕和疏離皆與他人息息相關,孤獨的意識較不受到他人關連的約
制。

寂寞者渴望別人慰藉、
被隔絕者意識到人被不同空間隔開、
希望保有隱私者防範別人窺探打擾、
疏離者感受著別人的排擠或漠然。--「別人」的意識無所不在。
一種Consciousness of self-in-relation-to-other(他中有我的意識)。

孤獨solitude卻不大一樣,「別人」和「我」這兩極可能都會在此狀態中暫時引退。心
靈和感官會從這兩端脫離,依附到其他事物上。

不過,這只是ideal type意義上的孤獨,
幫助我們先釐清孤獨不必然是一種惡。
而現實生活中,孤獨終究與寂寞和疏離,難分難解地交織一起。

孤獨可能涵蓋了寂寞和疏離的令人難受,但卻又不只如此、甚至又可能對立於此,變成
是抵禦這些負面情緒的正面狀態。

例子:
Edward Hopper的畫
一個人、兩個人、多人的、互動的、公共空間裡的孤獨

George Tice的攝影作品


Part 2. 自我與他人的銜接介面:孤獨的二元性

請回想先前提過的「恐懼原型」,其中關於自轉(保有自己)與公轉(迎合他人)的兩
種原力拉扯。

我們想要被認同,又想要不同。
對於寂寞或疏離狀態的抗拒、同時卻也對孤獨有所想望 其實就跟我們在這認同的兩端
擺盪密切相關。

孤獨不僅使我們保有自我,也有相當重要的創造能量。
不能獨處的人,相對來說會失去許多美好有趣的事物經驗。

孤獨是一種禁果,美味,但嚐了之後卻又引發各種不舒服感。

人想孤獨卻又苦於孤獨,而後者帶來的恐懼經常大於前者帶來的愉悅。
於是人們放棄追尋孤獨的意義,直接把孤獨打成令人除之而後快的「寂寞」。
於此,孤獨的多義性被窄化成單調難耐的寂寞或疏離。

然後,要去除寂寞,最便捷的方式就是找到對象、建立穩定關係。
而對象之所以成為對象,是因為在對象的眼裡,人會看到自我。
對象越能召換自我,則吸引力越強。

對象彷彿一面鏡子,我們一直不斷地面向他,其實是為了看見自己。
如果有一天,對象離開,這面鏡子破了,我們就會無比痛苦,以為再也看不見自己了。
但其實自己是在的,一直都在,與鏡子無關,只是你忘了。

練習不用照鏡子就可以明瞭自我的醜陋與美麗。
能孤獨地面對自己而不感到惶恐,是一種真正的幸福。

只有孤獨(之喜)可以治癒孤獨(之苦)。


Part 3. 越熱絡,越疏離越寂寞,以及孤獨的超越可能
                              
時空壓縮、網路發達,我們生長在溝通往來超級頻繁密切的年代。
但所有的創作品有一半是在與孤獨及其「近親狀態」(如寂寞和疏離)對話。
沒有比這個時代更不孤獨的時代,但也沒有比這時代更孤獨的時代。

多數創作或研究終究都是孤獨的practice:

或許每個人都是孤獨的,但你在欣賞有關孤獨主題的創作時,感受著創作者自身孤獨感
的表現、甚或再現了你的孤獨時,就會有一種共振,使我們分享了共同的孤獨。當每一
個「獨自」,「共同地」分享了這一切,其實就不寂寞。

共感的孤獨、或孤獨的共振,是很微妙地、抵禦寂寞和疏離感受的有效方式。
你可以看到有人在孤獨中匍匐前進,是那樣的努力活著要傳達些什麼,於是你也被感染
,長出了力量。

例子:

1. The Smith樂團
「Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me」
「Haven Knows I'm Miserable Now」

2. 波特萊爾《巴黎的憂鬱》散文詩集(如其中的「人群」一篇)

3. Radiohead、以及Keith Jarrett與Bill Evans的爵士鋼琴獨奏

4. Erik Satie:法國印象派鋼琴作曲家
「Gymnopedie NO.1」裡緩步前行的孤獨感,並不令人不悅恐慌,反而異常溫暖。
神秘主義色彩、孤寂卻放大的感官
他會把曲子名為「乾涸的胚胎」,或在琴譜上加註「彈得輕如握著一只雞蛋」、「如牙
痛的夜鶯」。

5. 王丹出獄後流放美國,在哈佛所在的劍橋,2002年寫的一首詩:「拖鞋」。我在同
一時間、於另一個劍橋也剛寫了一篇文「夜行巴士上的挪威森林」,彼時有一種很強烈
的「保鮮膜裹身感」(一種透明而無法突破的隔閡感),孤獨共振著、呼應著王丹的另
一首詩句:

「正午
我坐在無人的街上
沒有人知道我的來歷
霧氣逐漸散去
我異鄉人的身份逐漸清晰」

6. World's End Girlfriend的掙扎與救贖
「We Are the Massacre」

這個世界上的話說得太多了,也因此有太多攻擊、誤解和傷痛。
話語文字沒有增進溝通,反而是造至了鴻溝。
音樂成了就好的一種孤獨對話、一種最好的共感救贖。



Part 4. 孤獨作為一種下沈後的反彈

那些因為太快逃避孤獨、把孤獨化約成寂寞而不能好好面對的人,一直在找對象當自己
的安心鏡子,終究可能無法像好好經歷過孤獨者一樣,生出強大的生命力量。

在孤獨中感到無比寂寞的人,就像是在黑洞一直往下掉,被恐懼所包圍。彷彿身陷於一
種深刻的自溺,無限下墬而無力改變。

然而孤獨終究只能被孤獨治癒。

孤獨的四個正面意義:

孤獨會放大感官,非常直接地能與作品、自然、世界和自我對話。
一個人孤獨時,感官會被放大,感受會變得敏銳。

一個人去旅行和一群人去旅行是有差別的,一群人去的話,你會注重關係,但一個人的
時候,你會真正去感受那些事物,只剩下你和大自然及當地事物的對話。

一、自由

自己一個人散步,看人看物看世界、作某件有意義或感覺的事。
完全的自由感,是非孤獨狀態所無法取代的。

因為孤獨,所以暫時停止社會角色扮演,所以無所拘束,彷如飛鳥。

可以根據自己所選擇的節奏與方式來做事情,是一種絕對的自律(自我規律與自我韻律
)。

例子:
V. Woolf的渴望:《自己的房間》

二、回歸自我(嘗試接近自我)

自我非「絕對性的本然存在」。自我是相對逼近的、有待再發現和不斷調整的。
就像是調收音機頻道。

反身性的思考(reflexive thinking)只有在孤獨的時候才會深刻。
眼前沒有任何鏡子,真真實實(也紮紮實實)地和自己說話。

我們可以大膽的說,一個沒有辦法忍受孤獨的人,它的反省力是差的。
它沒法靜下來想想他到底是什麼,他真正需要什麼。

三、讓我們更容易融入自然與環境

孤獨讓毛細孔都張開了!
細節會在孤獨時更加突顯,並彼此關連起來。

打破身體與自然的界線。
我可以融合於自然,自然也可以融合於我體內
暫時只有我和自然的關係,沒有我和人的關係。

四、靈感的誕生和創造力的增加

相對於工具性的討論(針對問題,一群人討論),孤獨是冥思與發想的前提。
半夜工作如果是一種戒不掉的誘惑,就是因為孤獨像是一種催化劑。


Part 5. 小結

總之,面對所謂的孤獨solitude,不該將之簡化成寂寞與疏離的同義詞,而只想要逃
避。相反的,孤獨可能是用來抵禦寂寞、甚至要拿來享受的狀態。

對抗孤獨的唯一方式,就是讓它成為構成我自身必然的一部份,並學會與之安然愉悅
地共處。

如果孤獨意謂只是物理性的隔絕、或情緒上的寂寞或心理上的疏離,孤獨就是一個應
該被解決的「問題」罷了。但孤獨不只是問題,也更是解決上述問題的重要方式之一


梭羅:「在這裡我總是獨自一人,但我並不寂寞。」

如果我們在人群中會感到寂寞、會覺得Lonely but not alone;
那麼我們就該好好練習:獨處但不寂寞(Alone but not lnoely)

如果可以學會這樣的一種生命姿態,我們就可以比較勇敢地好好活下去。


閱讀書目:
Wieland-Burston, J.著,余德慧譯(1999)《孤獨世紀末》,立緒,頁1-198。
Koch, P.著,梁永安譯(1997)《孤獨》,立緒,頁19-128。
de Maistre, X.著,嚴慧瑩譯(2005)《在自己房間裡的旅行》,網路與書。
村上春樹著,賴明珠譯(2005)〈東尼瀧谷〉,收錄於《萊辛頓的幽靈》,時報。

home-schooling

Five years ago, when I first heard about home-schooling from a man, I asked him “Doesn’t locking children at home limit their social life?” And he replied me “To prison children in school classroom does limit their social life! Some families have formed a community, and children can get to know other home-schooling children.”

As we have discussed in class, home-schooling has the advantages of fewer examination, saving time for commuting, a safer and comfortable environment, a flexible learning, an efficient and effective learning, a self-paced learning, and a specialized learning. However, the most concerned disadvantage of home-schooling would be financial issues.

Although someone may criticize that not every parent is adequate for teaching because of their busy work or poor education, they can hire some teachers, we have a considerable amount of well-educated and unemployed teachers available on street. 8 to 10 families can be united to be able to afford the cost. And the united community can also solve the social life issue. Home-schoolers are not always taught by CAI (computer-assistant instruction) software and their parents only.

In Taiwan, schools are highly competitive places. Do we have to send children to such Coliseums in their early age? A lot of students’ confidences much rely on the grade they get from exams and the schools they go. And students easily give up a subject when they get bad score on it. Students’ sights are narrowed as the result of that a lot of school teachers focus on exams and some main subjects. Value, is one of the most significant problems in our education system and our culture, home-schooling may be an available choice that allows us not to buy it.

Bell Man

When I just started my Yonghe life, I was confused about why there is always a man riding a bike and ringing a bell while a garbage car is passing by. The car can play music such as “For Elise” and “The maiden's prayer” itself, then why a bell-man is still required to inform everybody the car is coming?

I figured it out recently. The reason may be the streets and lanes are too narrow for a garbage car goes through. Thus a bell man rides his bike through those narrow lanes is required.

Argument

Last Saturday, when I was reading the novel, Swam, around 3:00 a.m. Two neighbors who live in up-floor were arguing, one of them is a woman and the other is a guy. The argument was caused by a guy came home late, and the woman was heated about that.

The woman yelled “Do you know what time it is? Blah blah…”
The guy murmured “….” (Fortunately, I couldn’t hear that)
She yelled “Blah blah…Do you know what time it is?”
Silence…
She yelled “Do you know what time it is! Blah blah…” again and again.

I thought “You two both don’t know what time it is, do you?”


12/14/2007

專題被下了最後通牒 下禮拜一定要做完
聖誕節的隔天要期末考
元旦之後要 Final Presentation
可能有一門課專題也要在元旦之後做完

我執行把握時間好好利用的第一件事是...

剛剛半夜十二點半跟室友跑出信義威秀看星塵傳奇......

現在時間 凌晨四點
還有五個小時要去上班
還有四個小時就要出門...

12/11/2007

Compare and contrast living at home and in the dormitory (2)

There are a lot of differences between living at home and in the dormitory. I have not lived at home for more than 6 years, and I enjoy it! According to my experience, I think the most concerned distinctions between living at home and in the dormitory are expense, commute, privacy, and freedom.

Living at home has the advantage of lower expenses. The rent of living at home is much cheaper than living in dormitory, zero compares to thousands per semester, but the expense of commuting between home and school may exceed the rent for a bed in dormitory. However, living expenses– meals, night snacks, fruits, washing liquid, shampoos, etc – could be saved up a lot if we live at home, or at least we don’t have to expend our pocket money, salary, and scholarship at living expenses too much.

If we live at home, it costs us some amount of time to commute to school, no matter by walking, scooters, or transportation system. A student who lives at home may be having his or her breakfast on a bus while another student is still snoring in the dorm. Then the former jumps off the bus, rushing into the classroom whereas the latter may just finish a sandwich, sipping at his or her coffee. Commute could be time-consuming and life-wasting, or could help us steal more leisure time, that depends on the way we think. Although we could sleep later if we don’t have to commute, it could give us more chances and leisure time to listen to music, watch the city changes, indulge into our thoughts, or whatever we don’t do if we don’t have leisure time. However, most people are more charmed by their dream than the way to school, and I am not an exception.

Privacy is nearly impossible to have if we live on campus while freedom is much easier to obtain than living at home. If we have to share a room with 5 people, to have privacy tends to a dream, and a noiseless personal space is likewise unreachable as we have to share a floor with more than one hundred people. In contrast, we have freedom in hand. Living in the dormitory, we don’t have to worry about that our parents will worry us when we are hanging out outside at midnight, or stay up all night for homework, exams, or chatting with friends.

Living at home might be cheaper than in the dorm, but the extra commuting time is required. Living in the dorm sacrifices privacy, but freedom is more available. I had lived in the dorm for 6 years, and I enjoy it much more than living at home. However, now I live in a studio, one reason is that it is worth to trade money for privacy and freedom.

Compare and contrast living at home and in the dormitory

There are a lot of differences between living at home and in the dormitory. I had lived on campus for 6 years, and according to my experience, I think the most concerned distinctions between living at home and in the dormitory are expense, commute, privacy, and freedom.

Living at home has the advantage of lower expenses. The rent of living at home is much cheaper than living in dormitory, zero compares to thousands per semester, but the expense of commuting between home and school may exceed the rent for a bed in dormitory. However, the food expense– meals, night snacks, fruits, etc – could be saved up a lot if we live at home, or at least we don’t have to expend our pocket money or salary at food too much.

If we live at home, we have to commute to school, no matter by walking, scooters, or transportation system. A student who lives at home may be having his or her breakfast on a bus while another student is still snoring in the dormitory. Then the former jumps off the bus, rushing into the classroom whereas the latter may just finish a sandwich, sipping at his or her coffee. Commute could be time-consuming and life-wasting, or could help us steal more leisure time. Although we could sleep later if we don’t have to commute, commute could give us more chances and leisure time to listen to music, watch the city changes, indulge into our thoughts, or whatever we don’t do if we don’t have leisure time.

Privacy is nearly impossible to have if we live on campus while freedom is much easier to obtain than living at home. If we have to share a room with 5 people, to have privacy tends to a dream, and a noiseless personal space is likewise unreachable as we have to share a floor with more than one hundred people. In contrast, we have freedom in hand. Living in the dormitory, we don’t have to worry about that our parents will worry us when we are hanging out outside at midnight, or stay up all night.

Living at home may be cheaper than in the dormitory, but the extra commuting time is required. Living in the dormitory sacrifices privacy, but freedom is more available.

12/10/2007






Author: 法蘭克.薛慶
★★★


當人類是地球上唯一高等智慧生物的浪漫迷思被揭去

當人類發現自己只是演化的一部分,地球史上一個時間點的偶然

生態浩劫 大自然的反撲

化學 海洋物理 生物學 地質 電訊 航運 環境生態 能源 礦採 遺傳學 演化 大氣 遙測 軍事 人性 陰謀論...

這是一部很「硬」的小說,說精彩也真是精彩。但我前前後後,讀到想睡三、四次有吧。


12/01/2007

Spin


Spin



Author: Robert Charles Wilson
★★★★

   A science fiction flavored with a main-stream literature atmosphere, this novel concentrates on humans and relationships. It has won a Hugo Award for Best Novel and an endorsement from Stephen King. Besides, there were no Hollywood-type heroes could save people from the doom and that made it even more non-fictionally realistic and attractive.

   The process of human beings extinction lasted for 30 years, spanning one generation. When people underwent this kind of doom, they grabbed religions and science, badly needing a faith to keep their lives going on, even though they knew they would die in near future due to the solar expansion. Jason Lawton, who put himself into the research and study of Spin, tried to save the Earth by terraforming Mars to develop a so-called remote technology. After his plan resulted in Mars also being Spined, Jason in turn changed his mind to find out the reason, and he did; he eventually traded his life for the truth. Diane Lawton, who in turn plunged into religious fanaticism, though she’s not really convinced by the faith she tried to have. Tyler Dupree, who was the story narrator, became a doctor after Spin and the doom was definitely made known. Doctor, which was a contradictory job in the theme where future and health were nothing to people. Spin chronicles the next 30-odd years in the lives of the trio, during whose life (time) 300 billion years would pass outside the shield.

   There are a lot of ironic narrations about governments, nations, and humanities. As in the real world, governments always classified everything, every piece of information and technology. Thus, conspiracies and cynicism always spreading among people; they always could not accept anything unusual and odd human being. The crimes was on the rise when people lost the hope of the future; still, the power and welfare remained charming to people though everything were doomed to be eliminated. They had nothing to lose, so they destroyed everything they do not like and robbed everything they want, for the sake of satisfying their human-nature.

   “Don’t be upset. The world is full of surprises. We’re all born strangers to ourselves and each other, and we’re seldom formally introduced.”

   The one-way love of Tyler for Diane is narrated a lot in this novel, which tends to arouse sympathy among readers. For example, “I still found myself conducting imaginary conversations with her, usually late at night, offering asides to the starless sky.”

11/29/2007

古X國小運動會

這學期說修了一門名叫「弱勢兒童陪讀服務」的課
顧名思義就是去陪小朋友讀書

上禮拜去陪讀的時候
有一個同學說他們禮拜六運動會
說如果我們(老師們)能去的話
小朋友會很開心

所以..我就跟我負責的那個小朋友約好..說我會去了

真是太衝動了,那天早上整個很不想出門
小朋友應該早已被大人表習慣了
應該不差我一個
不過...我的良心那天突然被狗吐了回來
想說既然都答應了
那天就還是去了


在他們校園繞了好久
沒有看到認識的
也沒有看到其他修那門課的同學跟老師
大概就算遇到了也沒認出來
對人的記性實在很差

正在我打算展開地毯式的搜索
讓我有理由告訴自己已經盡力了還是沒找到人之後安心離開
天從人願,剛好走到他們班的門口...

一進去,準備找人的時候
就有一位陪讀的小朋友看到我
跑過來請我吃一塊餅乾(就甘心)
很沒良心的我還沒請小朋友吃過零食...(吃太多零食對身體不好喔)
居然先被他們請了...囧

然後另一名小朋友看到我就衝過來抱我
他什麼時候這麼熱情了...我怎麼都不知道

他們的班導說他很期待我出現
真假?好吧...我姑且相信這句話

然後跟小朋友照了幾相
去找其他小朋友去了

另一個我要去找的小朋友運動會那天請假(什麼?運動會可以請假?)
到了二樓,小朋友不知道都跑哪去了,半個人影都沒有


Anyway...回到一樓沒多久
我很白目的又走回二樓去找其他小朋友
然後終於看到大家都回來
只是我不卻定我要找的在哪一班
只好在窗外一班一班偷看...

好不容易看到一位我認識的
走到前門要去找他
很不巧地,他跑到後門去
然後我走到後門去堵他....啊.是等他
他出來
我拍他肩,叫他名字
他帶著受到驚訝的表情說「你‧是‧誰?」
人就跑了
留下愣在那邊的我
跟一個眉頭頭深鎖,眼神銳利,蓄勢待發
準備好隨時捉我歸規案的家長...
(我不是要幼拐小朋友的變態啊!)


然後...我下樓去了,去跟比較熟的小朋友們說bye bye

11/27/2007

Evalueation for Composition

Content
The piece is engaging and alive
It contains valuable info. and insights
Writer shows good understanding of topic
Details are clear and helpful
Voices of narrator is honest and convincing

Reader Awareness
The piece has clear organization (coherence)
Writer relates topic to reader's knowledge
Effective lead, engaging the reader
Satisfying ending
Clear transitions and signposts (cohesion)

Style & Unity
Language is clear and precise
Sentences are varied and effective
Unnecessary words are eliminated
Style is consistent and appropriate

Mechanics
Grammar
Spelling
Punctuation
Proofreading

Process
Presentation (double-spacing, legibility)
Effective revision
Peer responses
Paper is on time

11/26/2007

My Moment of Self-Realization

Elementary schools are where people spend 6 naive years. People in my age were studying in order to avoid physical punishment, in the belief that education would a bring good future to us, for the sake of amusing parents, for the desire for being concerned, etc. at elementary schools. And arithmetic was one of the most stressed subjects. Multiplication was the onethat confused me most.

I am one good example. I was educated with a pre-education-reform education, and studied multiplication in the third grade. When I was in the third grade, I had homework almost everyday, and I just could not do the calculation. Every time when I was doing the arithmetic homework, I guessed an answer and wrote the number down. Inevitably, I always got my exercise book full of red crosses. One morning, my teacher, a sweet woman who was the head-teacher of my third-grade-class, thought up an idea to help the students, like me, who did not understand how to do multiplication. She named some intellectual students as tutors, and assigned each of them with one less smart peer. Luckily, my tutor was a bright, cute, and patient girl. At beginning, she taught me how to multiply two multi-digit numbers step by step. She demonstrated some examples, and asked me to do one by myself. And after I did, I made a correct answer, and I thought I really understood how to do multiplication. However, latter the same day, when I was doing my arithmetic at home, I was totally lost. I could not recall how to do it, and I therefore left them blank. The next morning, she lent me her exercise book for checking my answers. But I just replicated her works. The next morning, I did it again. I directly copied her works again and again since then. Until one day morning, one of her friends noticed that I was taking a shortcut, then her friend asked her “Won’t you teach him?”, and she replied “It’s not worth my time to teach such person.”

It was hurt, truly, but I did not cry, nor stop copying, because I would rather be able to in my exercise book unashamedly. That day, I replayed the words she said many times, and I could not help feeling like I betrayed her. Latter, when I was doing my arithmetic homework at home, I still did not know how to do multiplication. I reviewed those exercises. I mimic the processes which I copied before. I felt like I gradually understood how to do it. I finished the homework assigned that day, and I also redid the homework assigned before by myself. I felt I really knew the methodology of multiplication well. The next morning, I borrowed her exercise book for checking my answers and processes, and I found all of them were correct. I should have her to thank for making me be able to study much more difficult and complicated mathematics today.

11/24/2007

Why Did You Choose Your Major (3)

   I used to major in Electrical Engineering (EE) when I was a high school student at the Ming-Chi University of Technology. However, now I am a computer science major at the National Taiwan University of Science and Technology (NTUST). The change I made and the major I chose are based on practical reasons: my interests, my character, and love for freedom.

   First, during my five years at Ming-Chi, I found that I was better at computer-related courses than electrical or electronic-related courses. If I spent the same amount of time at different courses, the outcomes of computer ones were always more satisfying. Besides, I won an award in a nationwide game and two awards in two collage-wide games; when I was in my internship at Formosa, I even volunteered to develop a database application which drew a lot of admiration from my supervisors. Those rewards tremendously enhanced my confidence in computer. I thought I should put myself in a right spot to make my talent be well developed. Also, according to the rate of return on investment, I thought I might have a gift for computer.

   Secondly, I was interested in computer science more than others, and I felt computer was friendlier than oscilloscope; if I had to choose something for company for eight hours per day, I’d rather choose computer. Moreover, abstractions and symbols were more charming to me. I loved to use logic and concept to construct a program or understand a system. To derive equations and to use mathematics to analyze a system also interested me. Most of all, there is no physics in computer science, which gave me much comfort.

   Furthermore, computer major would give me more freedom. I knew there were some SOHOs and LOHAs working at coffee shops, at their houses, or even traveling around the world for their jobs. It could prevent me from being imprisoned in an office or a laboratory because it gave me more choices of life styles.

   Considering the efforts that I put and what I gained from them, my interests, and the life styles I could choose, I chose to be computer science major.




11/22/2007

這一篇是黑特文

最近真「靠備」...來怨天尤人一下

台大資工所備3x
台大網媒所備1x
清大資工所備6x

Hate開始...


這些數字加起來補個零比我的現金加存款還多,幹!

...差5分差了3x個名次...
早知道研究計劃再多寫一點
早知道國網盃就要把結案程式copy到/u1
早知道面試就多準備一點專題的slide
幹!我現在只知道千金難買早知道!

...放到現在不是在 Second Choice 名單
就是 Not a Choice(交大跟台大電機)...
我知道我很差也不用這麼誠實地告訴我!
好啦,幹!我承認我惱羞成怒了!

幹!我怎麼還是那麼愛計較校名啊!
一樣一點長進也沒有,操!

人家說少年不識愁滋味
為賦新辭強說愁
幹!我都快大學畢業了怎麼還不能欲罷還休啊!


最後...
希望能備上...
(嘆)

剩成大還沒放
希望能正取...

11/17/2007

World Diabetes Day

Today is World Diabetes Day. Can you tell me what you know about diabetes in Taiwan and the world? Write a short essay on diabetes.


Well, I don’t really know a lot about diabetes. What I know is that diabetes is associated with high blood glucose and insulin, and it’s both native and acquired decease. Insulin helps the glucose from food get into our cells, and that makes the blood glucose stays at a level it should. When diabetes strikes people, people may feel very thirsty, hungry, tired, and having blurry eyesight. In addition, diabetes is growing at an alarming rate that impact economics, societies, and lives of people, and diabetes is also increasing in children. The children issue is the main concern of World Diabetes Day (WDD).



底層的珍珠


底層的珍珠



Author: 赫拉巴爾
★★★★


精準無誤,靜靜地刻劃出捷克底層人物的生活、性格與習性,與他們的聰明睿智、幽默機警。他們都有一顆普通人善良的心,有時也夾雜著人們的殘忍與暴戾。沒有同情,沒有讚美,完美的寫實主義就訴說了一切。最後一篇舞台佈景工的故事夾雜著舞台上《罪與罰》的進行,拉斯科爾尼科夫與索涅奇卡的自白與對話,似乎象徵了赫拉巴爾對人的關察,平凡、善良、慈卑,有缺點也偶爾犯錯,但這些瑕疵並不掩蔽他們內心的珍珠。


11/16/2007

沒能準時離站的列車


沒能準時離站的列車



Author: 赫拉巴爾
★★★★

戰爭,敵人,仇恨,同情。赫拉巴爾用幽默恢諧的筆觸,描繪了戰爭與人生的無奈,如何發生在年輕的列車調度員身上、站長身上、各式各樣的人們的身上。沒有痛苦,沒有沈重,有的是一如既往的自嘲與幽默的糖衣,包裝了生命無法承受之輕與重。


11/15/2007

Motto

Share a motto or a quote that you like and try to abide by. Please explain what the words mean to you (and translate into English). Cite your source.


“What does not destroy me, makes me stronger”, Twilight of the Idols (1888), Friedrich Nietzsche.
When I am in trouble, or when some accidents happen on me, I always recall these words. These words make me willing to accept unavoidable difficulties or challenges. These words help me to laugh at the unwished situations that I fall in when I’m chasing my dream or finding my own way and my own existence. When I encounter something disappointing, frustrating, and nothing can do with, theses words give me the ability to give up struggle, and I diagnose and enjoy these scars instead, because I know that they will never destroy me, the scars will always heal over as time elapses, and they will leave experiences which make me stronger.



11/13/2007

Favorite Animal

Describe your favorite animal (one of them) without letting us know what it is by name.


They are birds but they cannot fly in the sky, instead, they fly in the water, astonishingly agilely. They wear tuxedo suits no matter gentlemen or ladies. The males of them may attract modern women very much; the male stays with the egg and keep it warm while female goes to sea to find food for their baby. They are super stars; they’ve been on the screen, act the quintessential tap dancers on the ice. Their figures are used as the symbol which scares the software giant, Microsoft, very much; it’s the symbol of one of most famous free software project, Linux. They once stirred a huge tornado in Taiwan when they first arrived, kids were eager to see them, to see those poor prisoners in the zoo.



11/11/2007

誰搬走了我的乳酪?


誰搬走了我的乳酪?



Author: Spencer Johnson
★★★

我是很少看個人管理類的書的,不過在同學的阿姨的熱情推薦下,還是把這本《誰搬走了我的乳酪》借了回來。這本書的重點在於改變,勇於改變,雖時觀察並隨之應變。


11/10/2007

小王子


小王子



Author: 聖艾蘇伯里
★★★★


很棒的故事,可以發現,在成人化的過程中,有許多重要的事物被埋葬在我們的心靈深處。


Share A Dream Of Yours

Share a dream of yours.

One of my dreams I am able to recall now is a weird dream which often staged in my childhood. When I was a child, I sometimes dreamed I am chased by a crowd of zombies who jump so fast and extend their arms towards me; some of them are my family members. I am so scared, and I’m running as soon as possible. After the imaging marathon, I feel very tired in the dream, and I find a place to hide myself. I shrink in the tiny nook and feel my heart palpitate pretty fast, trying to cease my breath as long as possible. Finally, they discover me, and I’m trying to move again, and I’ll be woken up by a sudden twitch of arm or leg.




11/09/2007

A Good And A Bad Feeling

Describe both a good and a bad feeling using similes and metaphors.

A good feeling:
Simile: It’s like a sweet shower, refresh my mood and thought.
Metaphor: I’m sitting in a balloon with happiness as fuel, it’s inflated, rising, and closing to heaven.

A bad feeling:
Simile: It is like virus, lurks, waits, and occupies my heart.
Metaphor: I’m a prisoner, try to escape from the jail, try to snatch the key to freedom; and the bad feeling is the supervisor, uses the negative thought as a baton, to emphasize how unassisted I am.




11/08/2007

Reflect On Places That Have Affected You

I've often said, I'm more inspired by new locations than by any other type of stimulus. Today's exercise asks you to reflect on places that have affected you.
Exercise:
Spend a few minutes thinking about a place that has moved you immensely. It must be a place that once made a strong impact on you: whether that be a negative or positive impact is your choice. Perhaps you are thinking about a childhood memory, a holiday or an everyday place that strikes a particular chord with you. Describe this place.


Last year spring, I had a part-time job in Warnervillage at Xin-Yi, the most famous and most expensive cinema in Taipei. I was very nervous when I was standing in the ticket bar, candy bar, and coffee bar facing to customers at the first few times. When the stuffs were responsible for selling tickets in ticket bar, they had to promote the food, the suit, and be prepared for the week-promotion activity, and the managers would watch the business achievement and call for more at back. Sometimes there were some special events or annoying customers, some of the customers would strongly criticize the stuffs, and sometimes the stuffs would be punished or criticized by the managers. Some of the stuffs would apologize to the customers again and again, arguing with customers is not a rational and proper choice; some of the customer would criticize and complain again and again, some of the stuffs could not bear it, and lose their control of their lachrymals, but the tears are not the best defense or buffer to the customers who ate a gunpowder for breakfast. I would not know how much of complaints I could bear and how calm I could be if I hadn’t been there.

However, there were also a lot of funs. I might be nervous or listless when I began a usual day, but as many customers who left the bar or entered a cinema with satisfied and smelling faces, and as the coworkers’ perky voices echoed in the hall, I would become cheerful and wired. Maybe this is an example of the diffusion of happy moods.




11/07/2007

10/30工程二館發生狗墜樓不幸事件,校方籲請大家提供線索!

各位教職員工生:

10/30(二)下午兩點半左右校園內發生一件不幸事件,有一隻白狗從工程二館的頂樓墜落,當場慘死在地上,還有兩位路過的同學幾乎被砸到並受到驚嚇.

經現場勘查後,發現狗狗被人丟下來的機率遠高於失足,關懷動物是一個進步校園的象徵,我們不願意漠視這樣的暴行,破壞校園的安全,所以籲請大家幫忙協助,把這個同時危害到動物及人的兇手揪出來.

如果當天您有發現有人帶著一條白狗上工程二館?
或者帶著看起來可能裝了狗的箱子或袋子?
不管是任何相關線索,都歡迎提供。
我們的聯絡方式為
電子郵件:guidance@mail.ntust.edu.tw
連絡電話:分機6313或6315
學務處 敬啟



雖然沒有足夠的證據顯示這是台科的學生幹的,不過若真是台科的學生幹的也不足為奇。10/30發生的,拖了一個禮拜才發佈,學校對於抓兇手這回事還真夠有誠意跟效率的。



牧羊少年奇幻之旅


牧羊少年奇幻之旅



Author: 保羅.科爾賀
★★★

有趣的小品,用了很多典故,有許多有趣的對話,其中最有趣的是跟心的對話。

男孩聽自已的心訴說死懼、希望、愛慕。尼采說「有些話不能對別人說,有些不能對朋友說,有些話連對自己都不能說」,有些內心深處真正的渴望與恐懼,是自己無法意識到的,或者不存在於我們可以靠大腦任意存取的意識區塊。或許安靜下來傾聽自己的心,是另一種除了以理性分析、歸納法來瞭解自己的方法。

「當你真心渴望某個東西時,全宇宙都會聯合起來幫助你完成」。


11/06/2007

A Single Flaw In The Body

Choose a single flaw you have noticed in the body of someone close to you. Write about this flaw from the point of view of someone who finds it beautiful.


One of my friends has a snaggletooth, not very serious, just a little bit ragged. He is my classmate of junior-collage, all of us like him very much, he is one of the most popular guys at school. We all think he’s cute, and his teeth make him much cuter, his girlfriend must think in this way, too. He likes smiling and laughing, and we all love to see his teeth greeting us when he’s giggling. If he wants to go to an orthopedic surgery, we may stop him; we like his outgoing teeth so much, we cannot tolerate losing a friend who lives in his mouth and who we’ve already known for more than 6 years!



11/04/2007

The Sea

She’s the mother of the creatures in the world
She’s so vast and immeasurable
if you look at her
you’ll feel you are so insignificant
and raise your respects to the nature

She’s an emotional woman
sometimes she’s peaceful
sometimes she’s horrible
and sometimes she goes mad

She the most loyal follower of sun and moon
She changes her color for them
She raises her figure for them
and humbles herself for them

She’s the best friends of wind
She runs with wind
She dances with wind
She stays in serene with winds

Why Did You Choose Your Major

Why Did You Choose Your Major


My choice of my major is base on practical reasons, my interests, and my character. I used to major in electrical engineering of the junior-collage department at the Ming-Chi University of Science and Technology and now I was computer science major at the NTUST. In the 5 years, I found that I was better at computer related courses than the electrical or electronic related courses; if I spent the same amount of time at different courses, the outcomes of computer ones were always more satisfied. I thought I should put myself in a right spot to make my talent be well developed, and according to the rate of return on investment, I thought I might have a gift for computer. In addition, I was interested in computer field more than others, and I felt computer was friendlier than oscilloscope; if I had to choose one of them for company for ten hours per day, I’d rather choose computer. Moreover, abstractions and symbols were more charming to me. I loved to use logic and concept to construct a program or understand a system. On the other hand, computer major would give me more freedom. It released me from being imprisoned in office or laboratory, it gave me more choices of life style. Considering my efforts and what I gained, my interests, and the life styles I could choose, I chose computer science major.



當尼采哭泣


當尼采哭泣



Author: 歐文.亞隆
★★★

本書虛構了一個尼采與布雷爾醫生相遇的故事,展開精采的對話。故事發生在1882年《人性,太過人性》(Human, All Too Human)出版之後,與《查拉圖斯特拉如是說》之前。在這個虛構的故事中,桀傲不遜的尼采與達到人生項峰的布雷爾醫生一起在「永劫回歸」(eternal recurrence)中追尋衷於「存在」(existence)與探索「關係」。



今天班上辦聯誼...


本來已有同學幫我報名

但我最後還是退出了

面對同學的邀約

堂而皇之地找了幾個藉口退縮


真正的原因

受不了這樣的場合

大部分的同學找我講話

不外乎 工作 課業 程式

或許這些是我跟大家唯一的交集

是不是成績與名次的光環 遮掩了我其他人格

還是我根本沒有人格


剛入學的那年太忙

下課週末人都失縱

班上的活動至今只去過兩次 聚餐

有個同學說

我是班上的隱藏人物

打密碼也叫不出來

這次好不容易叫出來了

遊戲還沒開始就當機

很遺憾我不打電動 還花了一段時間來理解上面第三句的比喻


有同學說我都沒有休閒

不打電動又不去聯誼 整天宅在自己的世界

我說我會看小說 偶爾讀些其他書

他說我就只有這種異於常人的嗜好



有一座名為知性的森林

裡面有一株小樹 被擎天古老的大樹所環繞

它間歇地往下扎根 徐徐地向上發枝

它讀著大樹樹幹的紋理 想道這是智慧的過程

它讚嘆遍地的果實與落葉 想道這是智慧的遺跡

它從大地汲取果實的養分

它向上眺望 期許有一天能同這些大樹

搖曳在一樣的風中 沐浴一樣的陽光

11/03/2007

叔本華的眼淚


叔本華的眼淚



Author: 歐文.亞隆
★★★


老實說,我還滿欣賞叔本華這個悲觀厭世、憤世嫉俗、孤芳自賞的哲學家,能夠像他一樣一那麼孤傲過完一生著實另人羨慕。不過本書比較傾向描述團體與人際的功用與必要,叔本華在書中只有當綠葉的份。

本書的結論就是,如果像叔本華這類的人,想要融入叔本華稱之為「二足動物」的社會,想要與其他同類物種建立關係,則必需接受心理治療,以「享受」群居動物的生活。本書認為孤獨、平靜的人某種程度上必定憂鬱且麻木,並強調能合群、熱情的人會比較快樂且善感。

本書認為孤獨的人,在某種程度上必需「積極」參與一個團體,以在某種程度上活得像個所謂「正常人」。另外,本書似乎對悲歡憤世的、消極接受生命的有限性的思想嗤之以鼻,這是我對本書不敢苟同的部分。


11/02/2007

A Lie You Told

Write about a lie you told, and how it made you feel. Why did you do it? Have you ever been found out (for lying)? If so, how did the other person know you were lying, and how did it feel to be confronted about your lie?


I told a lie when I was in elementary school. That time I was washing my hands with soap, and the soap slipped from my hands, straight shot into the stool, in my uncle’s house. And I was afraid to pull it out since there was something…dirty. Thus I flushed the stool instead. And, of course, the stool was stuck. I was afraid to confess that was made by me, and that made my uncle very angry and upset, he knew what I did, but he wouldn’t say. I felt ashamed very much, I was flushed faced to my uncle as if my blood vessel was stuck as the stool, and my blood couldn’t flow down as well as the soap. I hoped that I had the courage to confess and recognize it, and that’s one of my unnumbered lies I wasn’t courageous enough to confronted.




Favorite Writers and Things to Read

Who is your favorite writer? What is it about their writing style that you like? What kind of things do you most like to read (novels, non-fiction, short stories, poetry, articles) and why?


My favorite Czech writer is Bohumi Hrabul. Milan Kundera, who is also my favorite writer, praises him as the greatest writer in our era. Hrabul writes about the insignificant, low-level class people, and the people who are abandoned to the rubbish dump of the times. Hrabul uses words to mine the precious stone in their deeper soul. He’s a spectacular symbol wizard; he uses scenes, things, actions to symbolize thoughts, situations and life. His master-pieces spread a light isolating, lonely, and secluded scent.

My favorite Russian writer is Leo Tolstoy, who is classified as realism and existentialism writer. His works shows his advanced thought in his era, and he the writer sometimes appears in his words, to talk to reader directly. His novels concretely describe the characters’ thoughts and actions, and how their thoughts, feels, emotions affect their motions, actions, and behaviors.

My favorite Chinese writer is Xian-Yong Bai, who is an incredible writer still live in our era, I mean he is physically alive; the writers above are also still alive, spiritually. He is also a marvelous symbol genius. His works like the stars that are sprinkled over the sky, shining and puzzling. There are always some young birds stagger into his garden, and stunned by the azalea of red as blood, blooming so wildly, so violently. When we starts wanting to know more about his stories, when we are stirred up with his characters, they have been dimming already.

Well, I like reading them all. However, I most like reading novels, especially the ones have prose style and poetry style. Novels are interesting, and the style of prose and poetry makes them more beautiful, more imaginative, and more vivid. If fine feathers make fine birds, then fine style of prose and poetry makes the novels.




11/01/2007

罪與罰


罪與罰



Author: 杜思妥也夫斯基
★★★★

赫曼.赫塞(Hermann Hesse)曾說:要了解杜斯妥也夫斯基不能只當一個旁觀者,閱讀杜斯妥也夫斯基,必須當我們「遭受痛苦不幸…,充滿絕望、經歷無可慰藉的死亡之時。當我們孤獨苦悶,麻木不仁地面對生活時…,那樣我們就會敞開心扉去聆聽這位驚世駭俗、才華洋溢的詩人的音樂」。


10/31/2007

Halloween

Halloween is tomorrow. If you had to dress up and wear a costume, what would you go as and why? What do you know about this holiday? Have you ever celebrated Halloween? Describe what you imagine a Halloween/costume party to be like.


I would go as Vlad Dracula the Impaler or the Vampire since he’s spooky and wicked. And the novel Historian gives him an interesting habits, reading and history, although he doesn’t have such habits in other novels. According to what I know, Halloween consists of jack-o-lanterns, ghost stories, trick or treating, and dressing up in costume. When I was junior high school, I attended a Halloween party which was hosted by several English teachers. We brought food to the party, performed a little English drama, and danced with opposite sex students from other class. That’s the only experience I celebrated Halloween, and it’s totally different from the Halloween as I know now.




10/29/2007

The Hardest Thing About Writing In English

What is the hardest thing about writing in English? What areas are you struggling with the most? Can you describe how you feel and what you go through while trying to compose your thoughts in English?

The hardest thing about writing in English to me is grammar. I always worry about my grammar and the way of using the words, I’m afraid that the reader can not understand what I mean. Essay is what I am struggling with the most. It’s strange; I grew up with a lot of essay training. I studied and wrote essays more than narratives at school. I was used to write essays instead of narratives or statements. I was familiar with the format of essay -- the four steps in the composition of an essay, gives some examples and counter-examples and judgement. However, I seldom write essays since I graduated from junior high school. The last time when I was asked for writing a short essay in English within 20 minutes, I completed it hard, and it’s not organized well, most of all, it is crap. Although narrative is also not easy to me, it doesn’t tighten me so much as essay does. In addition to my grammar, my vocabulary is also a problem. Sometimes I knew a word already, but I just can’t recall it. Then I’ll use a computer dictionary; spell the word according to the pronunciation in my head, to look up the word; sometimes I just type Chinese to find the word, and pick up the word I already knew; sometimes I look up English-English dictionary for more examples and the way of using the word. I depends on dictionaries so much, thus I feel more comfortable if I have dictionaries (particularly computer dictionaries) when I am writing.




10/26/2007

One Of Your Favorite Colors

What is one of your favorite colors? Choose a color and describe something in that color without telling us what it is. What does it look like? Feel like? Smell or taste like, if necessary?


One of my favorite colors is blue. There is one thing of blue in day time, and it’s the mother of the creatures in the world. It’s so vast and immeasurable, if you look at it, you’ll feel you are so insignificant, and raise your respects to the nature. It’s an emotional woman, sometimes it’s peaceful, sometimes it’s horrible, and sometimes it goes mad. It the most loyal follower of sun and moon. It changes its color for them; it raises its figure for them and humbles itself for them. It’s the best friends of wind. It runs with wind, it dances with wind; it stays in serene with winds.



Story Completion - Carefree Dogs

In the class Creative Writing, we classmates delivered our story with blanks to each other, and we have to complete all of them as homework this week.

Carefree Dogs

Jennie and Carter have gotten together for weeks, they are very distinct, and they have a lot of different feeling and opinion on the same thing. A warm day afternoon, they sit on a bench, watching a bunch of dogs lying on the lawn. Some of them are chasing each other.

Jennie: Look at them, they seems so happy and so enjoy their live! I’m so envy about the dog that is lying on the lawn and seems to be in a trance.

Carter: Maybe he’s wandering whether he really exist or not. Maybe he wants to talk to someone about this question but he can’t find another philosophic dog.

Jennie: I guess SHE is planning on her activity after a wonderful supper. Perhaps she is composing a story to tell her children, the carefree chasing doggies.

Carter: Yeah, that’s funny. Hey, she is standing up. And she joins the chasing. It looks like she gave up the headache philosophic problem and decided to devote herself into social activity temporarily.

Jennie: She must think up with a story to tell at night. And now she’s enjoying her family happiness.

Cater: Look, they have company. A cat is just appearing. They are uniting to chase a cat.

Jennie: Oh, poor kitty. Why can not dogs and cats be good friends?

Cater: Maybe they have some kind of discrimination in their world. And it’s not an easy issue can be solved by their philosophers or scholars.

Jennie: I think those philosophers as you had been sent to psychiatric hospitals.

Cater: Yeah, you are my best doctor. (Smiling at her, and counting how distinct they are.)
Jennie: (Smiling, and being sunk in her own imagination.)



10/25/2007

Favorite Sport To Watch and To Play

What's your favorite sport to watch? To play? Did you have a favorite sport in childhood? Is there a sport you hate? Why? Is anyone following the Taiwan Series (baseball)? Describe how playing or watching your favorite sport makes you feel.


To be honest, I’m not an enthusiast about sport. I was playing table tennis with my friend every day for half year, but I seldom play it now. I was jogging with my friends every day before, but I don’t jog anymore. Now, my favorite sport to play would be swimming, which is convenient to play since we can do it without any company though. Although I’m not a guy of sporting passions, I watch baseball game with my friends sometimes. I don’t watch Chien-Ming Wang with myself because I can’t wake up so early, but I can stay awake very late, till morning if I have company. When I am watching Wang is on the mound, I feel like my blood is boiling. When a batter with wide hot zone and high hit rate waves his stick, I feel like I am sitting in a roller coaster and falling down as fast as the flying ball launched from the mound. When that batter is struck out, the roller coaster stops falling and starts rising, preparing for next falling. The reason of that I don’t watch sports often probably be that I can’t tolerate such stimulations and these kind emotional waves so often.



10/24/2007

Story Completion - A Blind Date

In the class Creative Writing, we classmates delivered our story with blanks to each other, and we have to complete all of them as homework this week.

Story Completion - A Blind Date

A girl who was never been fell in love, but thirst for love saw an ad of a blind date. She decided to gave herself a chance. Will she find her true love?

If a blind date means dating with a lottery. Than I was really attending a blind date last night. I am an adventurer. Sometimes I really hope to leave the hell fire group. One day I saw a pair flirting and kissing, and my eyes were blinded by the flashlight.

That day I slept in till almost noon. I was in a crazy taxi, and taking a Pride and Prejudice in hand, which we had decided to identify each other with. 10 minutes to 12:00, I was stuck in a traffic jam as usual. I wished I wouldn't be late. 5 minutes to 12, I jump out from the small yellow sedan There were few people walking by. I hope he was not the one who was madly checking his watch. 12 o'clock, I was suddenly pulled out from my dream. A hand taped me on my shoulder. I turn around, and a Collins-looking guy said "Belle, do I have the honor to be your Darcy?" It was the most miserable date in my life.



What A Wonderful World

"What a wonderful world" by Aalto, Yaya, Shine

I see mountains of high, tall buildings too.
I see them rising for me and you.
And I think to myself, “What a wonderful world!”
I see fog of white and snow of silver.
The fresh clean air, the cascading waterfall.

The smell of the tofu, so stinky in the night markets.
Are also on the clothes of people on the MRT.
I see students studying hard, saying “Gimme a break”.
They are really saying, “I need sleep”.

I hear dogs cry, I watch them beg.
They’ll eat much more than I’ll ever try.
And I think to myself, “What a wonderful world”.



What Is Your Idea Of A Perfect Birthday

When is your birthday, and what is your idea of a perfect birthday for you? Do you celebrate? What kind of celebration would you like? Who would be there with you, and what would you be doing? Describe your perfect birthday, or one that you've enjoyed from the past.


I was born at April 22, 1986. The celebration depends on what kind of the friends are around me in that period. Some people are crazy about birthdays, some people aren’t. Although I usually don’t celebrate my birthday, my old friends always remember that day, they send me messages or call me and say “Happy Birthday”. My friends and I dined in an Italian restaurant this birthday; we went to there after school; we drank and chatted, and we were satisfied with the food. Finally we back to our home or dorm and worked on our homework. For us, birthday is an excuse to hang outside with friends.


A Room In Your Childhood Home

Describe a room in your childhood home. What is there? In the corners? Furniture? Layout? What is the feel of the place? Colors? Who would we see there? Any special memories there you'd like to share?

I changed two rooms in my childhood. They are in a rented department. I first lived in the tiny one; the other room was my sister’s, which I moved in after she got married. I had happy time in both room, I had a lot of good time at reading comic books and laughing wildly in my bed. I played solitaire, origami (paper folding), drawing in my tiny world. Sometime I would have company; my family dogs came to me and played with me, and they might sleep with me; they wouldn’t grab my blanket but they always occupied my pillow. As I was growing up, I brought fictions or textbooks to bed more then comic books, spent more time on desk than in bed. I won’t forget the sweet time I have in my childhood room.


10/23/2007

Apply For Entrance Into Graduate Schools

October is a busy month for the students who want to apply for entrance into graduate school. In fact, we have been busy for a long time, and we’re just showing our effort in collage years now. The applying procedure is really exhaustive and hard to suffer. We hope our dreamed schools will accept our application, but we have no idea of the probability we get the acceptance. We send our materials to those schools, and pay the fee for applying. It’s a lottery; the probability of entrance is depends on our effort and records in the past, and their professors’ impression on our original school and taste.


10/21/2007

A Time You Were Sick

Journal for today: Recall a time you were sick. Describe how your body felt, internally and externally. Use details. Who helped you?

I got a cold couple months ago when I was in the dorm. It began from a Sunday evening. I felt dizzy and had a terrible headache as if my head was hammered continuously. No matter how I turned over and over in bed, there were still a lot of pain in my head, and it was getting stronger as I stayed awake. The pain made me unable to fall asleep, and my sleeplessness gave me more aches and pains. I was in an infinite cycle of falling asleep and waking and suffering. When the sun rose, I went to doctor. I got the medicine which rescued me from the continuously hamming hammers. And the symptom changed, I started sniveling, I felt like the running nose was out of my control, it betrayed. The betrayer killed a lot of tissue papers. Couple days later, I eventually regained my nose’ loyalty, but who knows when it will sell me out again.


10/19/2007

Where Do You See Yourself In Ten Years

Where do you see yourself in ten years? What are you doing? Who is with you? What is your life like?

I’ll get my Bachelor degree from NTUST soon, and get a Master degree afterwards. I’ll work as an RD engineer in IT industry for 4 years instead of joining the military, and pay the student loan and save some money. I will probably use my liver-selling saving to study oversea for a PhD degree or another Master degree, or apply for working at Antarctic. They both are fascinating experiences, and I like the later one better. I think my friends are with me, but I am the major role with myself, maybe some passengers will come into my life, but they must not stay for long. My life is busy with some fun in the fore-half of these ten years, as it has been. And it will be a pretty different style in the other half; it will be more fun, more exciting, and more un-expectable.


10/18/2007

Which Family Member Do You Think You Most Resemble

Which family member do you think you most resemble, and are the most like in personality? In looks? In lifestyle choices? Why? Describe yourself and your family member.

I think I most resemble to my father, though we are different in many ways. He’s an optimist, but I’m not. He quite loves talking, chatting, and making new friends, but I don’t. He’s pretty concerned with politics and social issues, but I’m not. Although we’re quite different in many sides, there’re a lot of similar personalities between us. We love dogs, playing with our pets, watching movies, and sleeping. And sometimes we are aggressive; sometimes we are lazy, want to stay at bed only. We both persist on our own business and decisions; if necessary, ignore others’ critiques and opinion.